Saturday is the day... Dear Dad

So Saturday Dad moves into assisted living - alone - without mom. He said, "I'm scared. It's the end." It's so sad - my sister and I struggle because it's right for Mom right now - she can't take care of him - probably right for Dad. I know I've posted about this a lot lately.

But the day has come. And I wanted to tell my Tug friends about my dad. My brilliant, college professor Dad who wrote a best selling psychology text book and who was one of the most beloved profs at U of Penn.

Dear Dad,
As you go to assisted living, I want to tell you how you assisted me with my life. Without you, I would never have become a teacher. I wouldn't have gone back to college after my stupidity. I didn't deserve that second chance. It cost you a lot of money to pay for my stupidy. Dear Dad, without your assistance, I would never have believed in myself. Even today, you still ask me how I'm doing. You ask about my kids, my husband, my life, my vacations. You care. You assist me with my life.

Dear Dad, I hope you're happy there. I will visit you every week. I will keep playing bridge with you. I will always assist you as you assisted me. I will never leave you.

Dear Dad, making this decision is so painful for me. I'm sure it's more painful for you. I hope I can help you with the transition.

Love,
Ellen

Bless your heart. I know how painful this is. You're a great daughter, and he's lucky to have you. Hang in there.

Dear Ellen,

You are everything in a daughter that your Dad could have ever hoped for.

Bless you.

Ellen, what a beautiful message to your Dad. I hope you have told him this in person...good luck...I know how hard this is as I have walked in your shoes.

Ellen,

My heart breaks for you. I know this is so difficult for you and your family. You wrote a beautiful tribute to your dad. God bless you all. You are in my heart and prayers.

Jan

Ellen,

I can't imagine how hard this must be. You are doing what is best for both of your parents. You know you are making the decision for all the right reasons. What an awesome tribute to your Dad. He sounds like an amazing man and you are an awesome daughter. Best of luck, keep us posted.

Sandi

God bless to you and your family Ellen.

Every person is different, but I can assure you that my mother is alive today because she's in assisted living. She took to it right away and enjoys most of her days there. At home, even with an aide, she was declining fast. I hope it benefits your family as much and that your father adapts quickly and well.

Sue

Assisted Living is a nice way to go. My Dad put his Mom in one years ago, and it was a much better way for her to spend her final days than a nursing home would have been (for various reasons my Mom's Mom wound up in one). Sorry to put it in these terms, but personally I've only known of one person who went to a nursing home and actually went back home. You aren't only doing the right thing for your Dad, but your Mom too.

Although your Mom probably could take care of him, that's just not fair to ask of her. Hopefully you and she will be able to visit him on a reguar basis.

I've got 100's of more thoughts on this issue, but just don't know how to post them on a bulletin board.

Ellen,
Those thoughts for your Dad were so touching.
I tried to get my Mom into assisted living, but she refused until she got so bad there was no option but a nursing home. After that, she went downhill so quickly.

I really believe if she had been in assisted living, she would have lived much more happily, much longer.

You are making tough decisions, but my bet is they are the right ones.

We had to spring DW's dad from a nursing home last Spring and get him home to Wisconsin and into assisted living. He's not happy with it, and says everyone there is a 'nutcase'. In the last 2 weeks he's been in the ER with pneumonia - discharged back, then a day later back to ER with a heart attack. Discharged and back 'home' today. We'll see how long this time. I don't have a good feeling about this.

Anyway, Ellen, I know how you feel. I was my own Mom's caregiver for 3 years, but you never know how long it will be when you commit to it.

Your letter(s) to your Dad were touching and certainly came from the heart. He will know that you are doing the best that can be done for both your parents. It is tough, but is a rite of passage. This will allow your Mom and yourself to care for your selves as you know you have done the best for your Dad.

Jim

Ellen,
As you live in the area, I want to explain to you TIME has no meaning to a parent who has memory issues. Go when he is alert - most likely in the morning. Take him his favorite beverage (sweets is not a good idea as to the sugar effect). Bring older pictures to look through - for new pictures, its better have a Ipad thing to show him what is new in your world.

Find out IF you are allowed to take him for a drive - to see the fall colors or to the mall or to get his hair cut. I was the only person who could take my mom out of the nursing home (wheelchair included) - she was a resident for 16 months before she passed - I took her regularly to the beauty salon (including Mother's Day weekend) 2 weeks before she died. Then to Friendly's Ice Cream for a treat and to watch the kids. I also took her to the dentist after falling several times for tooth extractions ($996 for each way in medical transportation if I didn't drive her myself - Dad could not).

Yes, my Dad visited her daily for months and months; she was very unaware her surroundings - including her 3 other roommates; but she still enjoyed and rallied when for oldtime memories. A truck ride was the roller-coasters she loved as a teenager; the beauty salon visits were the treats of the war years when nothing else could be brought after all the depression years of suffering.

And go more often than once a week - even if the visit is only 5 minutes to drop off some treat or check on him. It helps the staff to fear you and pay more attention to what he is wearing, shaved and out of his bed.:ignore:

Thank you so much, everyone, for the nice comments - and the positive messages from those who have gone through this. I really do hope this is positive for him.

Yes, we will visit more than once - I am a teacher which of course makes life complicated - it's not the type of job I can take lunch and work late. But I will be there (this weekend Sat and Sun)

He's still pretty alert - he is tired a lot - probable sleep apnea which we're working on. And Mom will definitely take him out to dinner at least 4 nights a week. So we will not let him languish there alone. I also have a sister who loves him very much - she lives in NY, but she comes to visit often.

Thanks again - I'll update you after the move.

And no one tells YOU this, but be sure to take care of YOURSELF. Seriously, I've been there & done this. At some point I accepted that my situation was what it was, and even if I spent 24 hours a day there, nothing was going to to back to the way it was. It was very, very hard for me to spend too much time there - it's certainly no amusement park. And if I went two days in a row, she'd say "You haven't been here in a month" when I arrived on day 2. And when I spread it out to once or twice a week she'd say "you don't have to come check on me so much". It was just a no win situation, so I decided I had to make myself happy.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Dear Ellen:

You father is a very kind and loving man. Unfortunately, the best thing about growing old is that it beats the alternative. May G-d give you strength and peace of mind. Your father and mother have been blessed by having you as their daughter.

pianodinosaur

Ellen, this is one of the hardest decisions you will have to make but you did a great job. I'm sure your Dad knows deep down in his heart that you had to do it. Most of our parents if they could would stay at home but that is usually not an available option.

I know when I had to put Mom in assisted living I cried all the way home. It took almost 6 mos before she finally said , hey this isn't all that bad.

Hang in there and we're here if you need us. You are a good daughter. s

Hugs, Shaggy

Zac495 said:

So Saturday Dad moves into assisted living - alone - without mom. He said, "I'm scared. It's the end." It's so sad - my sister and I struggle because it's right for Mom right now - she can't take care of him - probably right for Dad. I know I've posted about this a lot lately.

But the day has come. And I wanted to tell my Tug friends about my dad. My brilliant, college professor Dad who wrote a best selling psychology text book and who was one of the most beloved profs at U of Penn.

Dear Dad,
As you go to assisted living, I want to tell you how you assisted me with my life. Without you, I would never have become a teacher. I wouldn't have gone back to college after my stupidity. I didn't deserve that second chance. It cost you a lot of money to pay for my stupidy. Dear Dad, without your assistance, I would never have believed in myself. Even today, you still ask me how I'm doing. You ask about my kids, my husband, my life, my vacations. You care. You assist me with my life.

Dear Dad, I hope you're happy there. I will visit you every week. I will keep playing bridge with you. I will always assist you as you assisted me. I will never leave you.

Dear Dad, making this decision is so painful for me. I'm sure it's more painful for you. I hope I can help you with the transition.

Love,
Ellen

Click to expand...

Some choices are painful, even when they are the right choices. You and your father have made the right choice. You can be at peace with that.

Your letter was beautifully phrased and will help both you and your father as you undergo this transition in life. It was a reminder to me that we need to express gratitude more often to the ones we love and not procrastinate. I had a friend die about a week ago. She had been my friend and neighbor for 19 years. She'd been ill for some time and I always meant to visit her, etc. Somehow the time just got away from me. I finally sent her a card. I'd like to think she received it and read it. She died about three days after I mailed it. When I was in college, I felt I should write a letter to my father. I did. I don't know if he was able to read it. He died the day it was delivered. I like to think he was able to read it before he passed away.

So, I urge people not to procrastinate. You never know when is the last time you will see a person. If you have thoughts of someone, feel the need to tell them you love them (or that you are sorry for something), do it. Just do it now. Life may not give you another chance.

Ellen, your note is beautiful, and touching, and obviously from your heart.
Tug has a great support group, and you've gotten some very helpful and experience-rich suggestions.

This is the day, and I pray that it isn't as traumatic as you fear, and that your dad will understand that it was the best answer. I know that's easy to say when we're on the outside, looking in. (I'm not sure my mom ever understood enough to forgive me, until her mind wandered completely away.
Love and hugs, and many good wishes coming your way.

Ellen,

I just saw your thread and it really resonates with me -- my best wishes to you and your whole family and best hopes for your Dad. Your note is a beautiful tribute to a fine man.

Best,

Greg

Ellen, what a beautiful and brave letter! Thank you for sharing. We all need to do the same more often for the people we love.

Ellen,
Having a parent with memory issues is one of the hardest thing we as children will have to go through. You are obviously a wonderful daughter. I teach a Dementia For Families class and one thing I always tell people is even if you can not visit for a long period of time just being there for 10-15 minutes and giving your loved one a hug and telling them you love them is enough to give them a "Moment of Joy", a term coined by Jolene Brackey a wonderful expert on dementia care. Also just calling....telling him that you love him is enough to give him joy. You do not have to do BIG things, requiring a lot of time, small things have BIG impact.

Taking him his favorite foods as someone else suggested is a great way to show you care. Giving him fond memories back by talking about great moments in his life can also be a great gift. Learn about dementia and what it feels like to have dementia. Hopefully the assisted living your dad will live in has education for families. If not ,find your local Alzheimer's Association and get some videos to watch on how to communicate with a person with memory loss and how to enhance his quality of life on this journey.

God Bless you Ellen in this difficult, difficult time in the life of your family.
Sue

So we took him there. He kept asking where Mom would be - and saying "it's the end" and then he asked me if he had been a good father. I told him that he was the best father a child could ever dream of having. What fortune to have grown up with him (and Mom).



And he told me how much he loves my kids.
And then when we left, he panicked. So I'll go back tomorrow. I saw the back of his head as I left and thought....... he did so much. I wish I could do more.

And to my dear TUG friends - please know that your words are helping - every comment. So THANK YOU.

Oh Ellen, what a difficult time for all of you, but what a beautiful letter. Your father looks so professorial; I can just see him as the emeritus professor who occasionally bops into the department. And what an open friendly face; I'm sure he had students in his office all the time! He could fill right in for almost any of my favorite profs or advisors.

I have often thought of how our society tends to group together elderly people who may have nothing in common except their age and perhaps physical or mental condition. Awhile ago in a thread about over 55 living I was assured that there are many activities and interest groups with plenty for everyone. I realize assisted living is different, but hope there are compatible people and interesting activities to help make his days go better!

Hi Ellen,

I can tell from your posts how hard this has been for you. If it makes you feel any better, many years ago I worked as the dining room girl in a nursing home. I was sixteen, it was my first job. I still remember my patients vividly, even though it has been nearly 30 years and they all have surely passed away by now. I took my job very seriously, had everyone's diets memorized and most importantly I came to realize that for many of my patients, the meals were the highlight of their day. I had the ability to make that mealtime even better and I always tried to do so. I would never leave until everybody had what they needed, if they didn't like what they were served I'd go in the kitchen and cook them what I could (unfortunately our cook would just leave after the meal was served, he was not supposed to). Nothing elaborate, but if it was allowed on their diet and I knew how to make it, they could have anything in the kitchen while I was working. If they needed help buttoning their sweater and then immediately wanted it unbuttoned, I'd help them with that too. If I knew someone loved bananas, I'd put an extra one aside. I also learned a lot- how to be patient, to listen to people, to try to figure out what they needed.

I worked at that job until I turned 18 and went to college. It's still one of the best jobs I ever had.

I only say this all because I know that people worry that nursing home/assisted living workers won't really care about their loved ones and I'm sure there's some that don't particularly. But there are plenty of people who work in nursing homes/assisted care facilities because they DO care, not just about the technical aspects of the patient's needs but about the whole person. Hopefully that helps a little.

BTW, now I am a veterinarian. I love dogs, period, and it doesn't take too much to motivate me to help them however I can. But I cannot tell you what an even HUGE-ER motivator it is to me when I can see how very beloved one of my canine patients is. I am always very moved by this, and then I try even harder. The assisted living staff will see this too when you visit your Dad and it will make a big impression, I promise you.

My best to you all. I can only imagine how difficult this all is.

H