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Joke of The Day

Joe L

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“Business Flight”

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?" "Lecture," she responded, "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
 

#1 Cowboys Fan

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Not sure who can claim the idea behind this joke first;
but it seems like an amended extension on comedian Steven Wright's "...Bucky Goldstein" bit.

Pat
 

Joe L

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“For The Birds”

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing, “Hi, we're hookers. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution. I have two male parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your parrots over to my house, we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter, and they will teach your parrots to praise and worship. Your parrots are sure to stop saying that in no time."

The next day she brought her parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and put her parrots in with them.

Immediately, her female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."
 

AwayWeGo

TUG Review Crew: Expert
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Grandview At Las Vegas

[triennial - points]
Another Bird Gag.

It's an oldie but a goody.

Click here.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​
 

easyrider

TUG Review Crew: Elite
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Math test for new job

The boss was interviewing men for a job when along came Mr. Smith.

The boss took an instant dislike for him and thought to himself, " im not hiring that lazy bum".

So he decides to set a math test for Smith, hoping he wouldnt be able to answer the questions so he could refuse Smith the job with out an arguement.

The first question is " with out using numbers, represent the number 9 ".

Smith says " dats easy" and proceeds to draw three tall leafy trees.

The boss says " what the hell is that ". Smith replies , " tree n tree n tree makes nine ". Fair enough , says the boss.

Second question, same rules, now represent 99. Smith stares into space then make a smudge on each tree. "Dere ya go sir " Smith says.

The boss scratches his head and finally says "How on earth does that repesent 99 ?". Smith says " Each tree is dirty now ! So its dirty tree n dirty tree n dirty tree and dats 99".

The boss starts getting worried that he may have to hire Smith so he decides to up the ante and says " Alright Smith, last question, same rules again but now represent 100".

Smith stares into space again and shouts " I got it ! " . Smith then makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says , "Dere ya go, thats 100 ".

The boss looks it over and thinks Ha I got him this time, thats 102. The boss says " Go on Smith, you must be mad if you think that represents 100".

Smith leans forward and points to the marks at the bottom of each tree and says " A little dog came along and craped next to each tree, see ? So now ya got dirty tree an a turd, dirty tree an a turd and dirty tree an a turd , dat makes a 100. When do I start me job ?"
 

frenchieinme

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A golfing joke...

Tom whose wife was pretty much fet up with his compulsion for golfing allowed him to go golfing with his two friends Mike and Norm with a big CAVEAT, he had to promise his wife he would be home for 4 pm sharp.

Well 4 pm arrioved and no Tom. 5 pm, still no Tom. 6 pm and still no Tom. 7 pm comes along and so does Tom. His wife was real upset by then. "Where have you been Tom?" she asks. Golfing, why. What happened?

Worse damn golfing day of my life. I was watching Norm putting on the 3rd green when suddenly he keeled over and died.

Without missing a beep, Tom then told his wife---from the 3rd green on I had to hit the ball, drag Norm along with me, hit the ball again then drag Norm along again...:hysterical:

frenchieinme :rofl:
 

hvsteve1

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I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. :bawl:


Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .:wall:


I told them I was suicidal.:(


They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck :hysterical:
 

AwayWeGo

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Grandview At Las Vegas

[triennial - points]
Ancient Golf Course Gag.

Click here for another Golden Oldie.

-- Alan Cole, McLean (Fairfax County), Virginia, USA.​
 

T_R_Oglodyte

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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' embroidered on the front of it. So I said 'Implants?'

She hit me.
 

easyrider

TUG Review Crew: Elite
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' embroidered on the front of it. So I said 'Implants?'

She hit me.

Im going to remember this one every time I see the Guess brand. Funny !
 

Joe L

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Snake Bite

Two soldiers are walking through the jungle. All of a sudden a snake bites one right on the cheek of his rear end. He falls to the ground in pain. His buddy drags him to a nearby abandoned shack, not knowing what to do. The stricken soldier tells him to get on the walkie-talkie and call the medic.

Fearing the worst, the soldier moves out of ear shot and contacts the medic. The medic tells him to make a cross incision in the wound and suck out the venom. The soldier thinks for a moment, then returns.

The stricken soldier asks "What did he say?" The other soldier responds "He said your gonna die"
 

Kingwayne

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A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'


The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'

The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America!'



That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'


She says, 'No, I am from Africa!'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work.'
 
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