Joke(s) of the Day Thread

Good idea, Brain/Brian.

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders
> using a bowl of lifesavers. >
> The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
>
> Red.......................Cherry
> Yellow..................Lemon
> Green...................Lime
> Orange ................Orange
>
> Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them,
> none
> of the children
> could identify the taste.
>
> 'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
> sometimes call your father.'
>
> One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
> 'Oh
> my God!! They're a**-holes

Joan - this isn't directed at your post, but in general folks, let's remember that we are rated PG around here!

Good joke! We'll hope underage readers won't get it.
And personally, PG is as far as I am comfortable.

I guess that means no "Little Johnny" jokes


Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

this came via Singapore....

Driver's License


A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business..'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend..

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....

Recently I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school.

'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'In 1978. Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, 'What did you teach?'
:hysterical:

And That's How the Fight Started....

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....



My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I
replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible;I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started......



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something
shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt
in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and
said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started.....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of
cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife.. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started......


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip
steak, medium rare, please."
He said , "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....

A young man was engaged to a woman named Kate. However, he also began seeing another young woman named Edith. When Kate found out about Edith, she returned her engagement ring, saying, "You can't have your Kate and Edith too."

Leno Monologue

This comes from Leno the other night:

"When E.F. Hutton speaks, he now asks 'would you like fries with that?'"

Guy on a big blue motorcycle pulls up next to a young girl walking and says, " Hey girl, how about a ride?" The girl shakes her head and continues walking. He then offers, "How about I give you ten dollars to ride with me?" The girl tells him no and walks a bit faster. He next asks, "OK, what about twenty dollars and a big bag of candy?" The girl turns to him and replies, "Look dad, you're the one who bought a Honda instead of a Harley- YOU RIDE IT!"

The Mountie

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain , B.C. and
talks with the old ranch owner.

He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally
grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his
rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly
displays it to the farmer.

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I
wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made
myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer
running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence
and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your ******* badge!'

A rancher was in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the rancher, "If I tell you exactly how many cattle you have, will you give me a calf?"

The rancher looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. He then prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the rancher and says, "You have exactly 1586 cattle."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the rancher. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the rancher says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a government consultant." says the rancher.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the rancher. "First of all they're sheep, not cows. You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know a thing about my business ....

" ... Now give me back my dog!"

My better half (a very smart gal) is blond and we have a lot of laughs with this bit....


A blond goes into the library and says to the librarian "I'd like a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake please"

The librarian says "This is a library!"

The blond then whispers quietly "oh, sorry.....I'd like a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake please"

Kids...

As the Sunday school teacher leads her young kids to church she pauses and asks:
Does anyone know why we have to be quiet in church?
One of the little girls raises her hand and says:
Because people are sleeping in there.

Yearly Exam

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM



Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain

basics. How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say. The nurse puts me

on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say. The nurse checks and

sees that I only measure 5'2'. She then takes my blood pressure and tells

me it is very high. 'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was

tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a b****.

The Ice Machine

When I was in a hotel a couple of weeks ago I heard the strangest conversation around the corner in the hallway. It was a woman's voice, and she was saying,I poked my head around the corner, and it was a blonde talking to the ice machine. I foolishly asked her what she was doing.

She rolled her eyes said to me loudly,

HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.

I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
========================================================

HIS DIARY:

Boat wouldn't start today, can't figure it out, but at least I got lucky.

Welcome to the SouthWest

RULES FOR LIVING OUT WEST !!

Rules of The Dakotas, Colorado, Arizona, Texas, Washington, Oregon, Oklahoma, Utah, Idaho, Montana, New Mexico, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.


2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.


3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us.. Get over it. Don't like it? I-80 & I-90 go east and west, I-25 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves.. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9... The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah. We don't care what you folks up North call that stuff you eat. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

1 5. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

Seriously, welcome y'all. Enjoy your stay in the SouthWest.

BTW - While you're here, please pronounce "y'all" as one syllable. And remember that "y'all" is singular; "all y'all" is plural.

BTW - While you're here, please pronounce "y'all" as one syllable. And remember that "y'all" is singular; "all y'all" is plural.

Reminds me of the difference between a Northern girl and a Southern girl. :ignore:

My favorite all time joke and my 2000th post!

A man stops to ask directions from a farmer sitting on his porch and is amazed to see a three-legged pig sitting at the farmer's feet. "That's a weird-looking pig," the man says. The farmer is furious. "Don't you ever say anything bad about this pig!" he says. "Just last week my wife and I were sleeping, and a fire broke out. This pig dragged us both to safety. Last month a robber broke into the house. The pig knocked him down, dialed 911 with his snout and sat on him until the police arrived. So don't ever say anything bad about him."

"I'm sorry," the man says. "But what's the deal with the three legs?"

"Mister," the farmer says, "a pig like this you don't eat all at once."

Click to expand...

Cheers,
Charles

CMF said:

My favorite all time joke and my 2000th post!


Cheers,
Charles

Click to expand...

Keep on Tugging my friend.


Added:
Here's my favorite joke on video.


.

thinze3 said:

Keep on Tugging my friend.


Added:
Here's my favorite joke on video.


.

Click to expand...

I knew I shouldn't have clicked the link, I just knew it.

Hey, congrats on the post count milestone, Charles!

an oldie from email:

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope and, with trembling hands, read the letter...

"Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call me when it is safe for me to come home!"

WHATEVER YOU GIVE A WIFE

Whatever you give a wife, she's going to multiply. and give it back to you.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

So - think twice before you give her any crap.

***

(But I have this nagging suspicion that I may have picked this up originally here at TUG.)