How can I help daughter with her new baby?

[Quilter]

I'm looking for ideas from experienced grandparents.

Our daughter had our first grandson a month ago. We went down for the birth and then again this past week. I want to help and try to cook or run grocery errands. I'd do any cleaning or laundry she wanted and she knows that. We live in Michigan, they live in North Carolina.

Getting used to the baby is another thing. All babies soothe differently. My daughter and SIL are trying to figure out what works best with baby. Daughter has an app schedule on her phone. Swaddling with receiving blankets has been replaced with zip or velcro swaddles.

Baby is a big boy. Born at 9 lbs. and weighs 11 at a month. He is definitely gaining and doctor says he's doing fine and head movement compares to 4 month old. Still, in a call today my daughter was overwhelmed. She just wants to get his wants and needs figured out so their days run smoothly and on schedule.

I have vague recall of what it was like in the first month. From what we can remember the car seat and stroller were lifesavers for us when baby was fussy. I seem to recall that the baby carrier worked well so I could go for a walk and soothe baby at same time.

So how can I help? All thoughts welcome.

 

[Cornell]

My biggest challenge was that my daughter would not sleep on her back....and that is what is advised for all new babies. This went on for about a month. I eventually got to the point that I was so sleep deprived b/c she would not sleep on her back alone. Finally I defied doctor's orders and let her sleep on her tummy. This was the trick -- I think sleeping with her legs and arms tucked under her body is what she needed to keep still (not jerking , no reflexes) and from then on life got to be sort of normal where I could catch a few hours of sleep myself. She hated the car seat but did love to be swaddled against my chest with a carrier / sling.

 

[SteelerGal]

My youngest is 2 and we also fostered babies. Rock n Play, swing, and baby wear. There are baby wearing groups that will allow you to borrow before you purchase. I love Ergo and LilleBaby. HaloSleep Sack always worked for me.
If you want to message me w/ specifics, I can give more specific suggestions.

 

[PigsDad]

My biggest challenge was that my daughter would not sleep on her back....and that is what is advised for all new babies. This went on for about a month. I eventually got to the point that I was so sleep deprived b/c she would not sleep on her back alone. Finally I defied doctor's orders and let her sleep on her tummy. This was the trick -- I think sleeping with her legs and arms tucked under her body is what she needed to keep still (not jerking , no reflexes) and from then on life got to be sort of normal where I could catch a few hours of sleep myself. She hated the car seat but did love to be swaddled against my chest with a carrier / sling.

Very similar experience with our daughter. We gave in at 6 weeks and let her sleep on her tummy. By that time she had better head control, and with no blankets or anything in her crib, we felt the risk was nil. Boom -- instant 6+ hours sleeping at night and everyone in the household was much happier. It's funny, our daughter would never sleep in a car seat either.

Kurt

 

[rapmarks]

My son had terrible colic and so did his son. Time passes and it works out, but sure hard during that time. My first grandson was a difficult baby but is an easy going boy. When his brother was born, my daughter came to stay with us for two and a half months. Her second was an easy baby but is now a difficult child. I watched that baby a lot,and she got to spend some alone time with her first child. When I wasn’t watching the baby, I was watching the other, or watching them both. Then she had a third one. I remember the first one having a difficult time nursing. I helped by taping a narrow tube to my finger as a feeding tube for milk, and he finally learned what to do. My daughter used a baby swing to settle the kids and get them to sleep. I still remember those nights when my son was up all night with colic.

 

[dmbrand]

Quilter,
Be a life line for her. Tell her to trust her instincts. Call her every day and ask how it is going....even if the call is a few minutes. Just knowing that she can vent to you is priceless. I do this with my daughter that is due next week. My son’s kiddos are 3 and 1, so we are relatively new grandparents. No baby is the same, they all want something different. She and hubby will eventually figure it out. New parents get bombarded with so many do’s and don’ts from medical providers, the internet, friends, family, etc.

What has worked for my grandkids is sound machines, room darkening shades, Alexa lullabies(really), and those stuffed animals that have music and light inside them. I am not an advocate for all of these, but it worked for them.

Grand babies are precious and so much fun....we really should have had them first.
Enjoy,
Dawn

 

[mcsteve]

We were blessed that my daughter opted to rent our basement apartment when she became preg (single mom) so we have been part of our grand daughters life since she was born. The first 8 weeks were the worst adjustment for her but, as dmbrand suggested, call her every day and let her vent if she needs. But most importantly she will need to hear that she is doing things right, even if they are not working that day. From day to day the child will change and what works today will be the wrong prescription tomorrow. She just needs to adapt. I don't know your own restrictions but a quick visit by someone close from time to time, telling her to just go grab a Starbucks and veg out, will be a great reset for her. I remember a particularly hectic week my daughter was having. My wife and I got up early, made a big breakfast for everyone and told our daughter to leave (without the baby, we would babysit for the day) and not come back until after dinner. When she came home she looked so relaxed she was almost a different person. She said all she did was visit some girlfriends she hadn't seen since the birth and talk.

 

[Glynda]

I'm looking for ideas from experienced grandparents.

Our daughter had our first grandson a month ago. We went down for the birth and then again this past week. I want to help and try to cook or run grocery errands. I'd do any cleaning or laundry she wanted and she knows that. We live in Michigan, they live in North Carolina.

Getting used to the baby is another thing. All babies soothe differently. My daughter and SIL are trying to figure out what works best with baby. Daughter has an app schedule on her phone. Swaddling with receiving blankets has been replaced with zip or velcro swaddles.

Baby is a big boy. Born at 9 lbs. and weighs 11 at a month. He is definitely gaining and doctor says he's doing fine and head movement compares to 4 month old. Still, in a call today my daughter was overwhelmed. She just wants to get his wants and needs figured out so their days run smoothly and on schedule.

I have vague recall of what it was like in the first month. From what we can remember the car seat and stroller were lifesavers for us when baby was fussy. I seem to recall that the baby carrier worked well so I could go for a walk and soothe baby at same time.

So how can I help? All thoughts welcome.

We lived in NC but were in VA, where DH was to play with his band for his high school reunion, when we got the news that DD was in labor. We hopped in the car and got to CHS a few hours after our granddaughter was born. DH returned to VA the next day to play for the reunion. There had long been a plan in place that I was to stay a week at my daughter and SIL’s house to help. I was so looking forward to being there. They lived in a very small two bedroom house and I had to sleep on the sofa. SIL and I were still getting to know one another and it was a bit awkward. Since daughter was nursing and SIL was there around the clock, and a great cook, I quickly realized that I was in the way, there was little for me to do, and they needed bonding time alone. Fortunately we had one home here at the time and I had a place to go to until hubby could come back two weeks later. I had no car but our little kitchen house was/is within walking distance of all I needed. It worked out but I was sad that there wasn’t more I could do and be there with DD and granddaughter.

 

[geist1223]

We have pretty much let Son and DIL set the rules and for them to speak out for any help. With first GC we and her parents stayed in a timeshare about 30 minutes away. No matter what we thought about some of their decisions we kept our mouths shut. Let them learn that both of them do not have to get up in the middle of the night for hours. Thus both of them being exhausted during all day. They had only been in house for a couple months. Her father and I cleaned up the yard/bushes/trees and replaced bad boards in Deck, etc.. I had brought a pickup truck bed full of tools including a chop saw. For second GC our contribution (as requested) was to spend a week (separately) prior to birth to help take care of house, first GD (whom had come several weeks early), and be there when DIL went to hospital for birth. For third GC we went for a visit after birth to meet our GS. Actually we were invited to help at birth but they waited until last minute to ask and we had a trip to Cabo booked. DIL has made more demands on her Mother. Now recently they moved to Chicago and they wanted one or both of us to visit and help set up house. DIL had incurred abdominal muscle separation with birth of 3rd GC and could not lift. So Patti is there for 3 weeks (coming home next Wednesday/longest separation since marriage). We both could not go because of 3 pets and no house/pet sitter scheduled. This again was a last minute request but do to problems DIL was having we wanted to help. Her Mom is now able to get FMLA and will arrive about time Patti comes home. It was interesting that they told us about medical/physical problems before DIL told her Mother. Her Mother had been there for an extended Labor Day Weekend and they did not tell her. Her Mother found out when she called me after she got home.

So our advice is provide what help you can and they request. They set the Rules.

 

[AKE]

Don't overanalyze! Do what comes naturally. I really get a kick out of today's generation using every app to figure out what is wrong if the baby cries (ALL babies cry... don't worry about it).. buying every gizmo on the market for stimulation / baby satisfaction enhancement etc etc. (babies don't need elaborate 'toys', cuddles work best) and on and on. The worst however is a parent or grandparent being 'rigid' with a baby be it sleep times, feeding times etc. The baby will tell you what to what he/ she wants and so will the mother once she gets over her insecurities having a new person in her life over which she has little 'control' re its needs or wants. I know....I have 6 grandkids!

 

[rickandcindy23]

I am babysitting for my new little grandson starting next month. I am terrified of taking care of him. He cries a lot and is always watching mommy. He is not going to be an easy baby for me. I am so worried!

 

[geist1223]

Because first GD did not sleep much (after doing research on the Internet) they put a White Noise Generator in her bedroom. It sort of helped. So when 2nd GD was born they put one in her room from the get go. Last September we were at West Yellowstone together. The 2 Units were next to each other. About 2am one night all power went off. This was scheduled for some major electrical maintenance. As soon as the White Noise Generators stopped working both kids woke up and would not go back to sleep with out the Devices.

Patti and I have talked and anticipate when the go away to college they will have to take their White Noise Generators with them. Which might upset their roommates. But we have never said a word to them.

 

[rickandcindy23]

White noise is good. Our son absolutely loves his fan and takes it on vacation with him. He's now 42, and now his daughter likes white noise (she is 2) and his wife said she cannot sleep without the fan noise, after being married to Josh for 3.5 years.

It's a small fan, pointed right at his face. he loves the air. I would be so congested, if I did that. He was always a little hyperactive and ADD, and that helped him a lot as a child. He is still pretty ADD, but it could be just my opinion.

 

[Glynda]

I am babysitting for my new little grandson starting next month. I am terrified of taking care of him. He cries a lot and is always watching mommy. He is not going to be an easy baby for me. I am so worried!

This was 1970...We lived in married student housing at NC State University... a one room, one bathroom, studio where our bed was a pull out sofa bed. The crib was beside that. Our daughter had colic and, like clockwork, screamed from 10 PM to 2AM each night for several months. She also projectile vomited up much of the content of her bottle. (This was a time when most women weren't nursing and it wasn't even spoken of by my doctor or the nurses. I was given an injection in the delivery room to dry up the milk without my knowledge). We quickly discovered that our daughter was allergic to the formula and we had to switch to a soy based one. But the colic continued even after the doctor diagnosed the allergy though the vomiting stopped. We placed her between us on the sofa bed and took turns holding a pacifier in her mouth while the other tried to sleep through it. That worked only a few times as she'd spit it out and wail. Poor hubby had classes and a part time job the following day. I was young, sleep deprived and pacing the walls of our tiny apartment during day and night trying to sooth her when she was fussy. I wish my parents had been closer but they lived in Florida and my father had recently had a heart attack. My mother needed to be there for him and where would we have put her anyway? Our granddaughter did not experience any of this and was easy.

I hope it works out for you, and suspect it will, as he will eventually recognize that you are his world while he's with you. And you will have a special bonding time with your tiny little human wonder!

 

[jme]

As mentioned, white noise is a huuuuuuge plus. Don't know how babies sleep without it. (Adults too!!!! We use it.)
Our daughter uses it for our new granddaughter, and she NEVER wakes up during the night.
I know there are many other factors, but it does help. They also adhere to strict schedules for feeding, napping, baths, etc.

Silence is deafening---
The one time we forgot our fan on a long weekend trip, I swear I heard mosquitoes flying that first night.
We bought one the following day. Will never happen again.

 

[Glynda]

So those of you who use white noise, what do you use and what sounds do you like best?

 

[rickandcindy23]

This was 1970...We lived in married student housing at NC State University... a one room, one bathroom, studio where our bed was a pull out sofa bed. The crib was beside that. Our daughter had colic and, like clockwork, screamed from 10 PM to 2AM each night for several months. She also projectile vomited up much of the content of her bottle. (This was a time when most women weren't nursing and it wasn't even spoken of by my doctor or the nurses. I was given an injection in the delivery room to dry up the milk without my knowledge). We quickly discovered that our daughter was allergic to the formula and we had to switch to a soy based one. But the colic continued even after the doctor diagnosed the allergy though the vomiting stopped. We placed her between us on the sofa bed and took turns holding a pacifier in her mouth while the other tried to sleep through it. That worked only a few times as she'd spit it out and wail. Poor hubby had classes and a part time job the following day. I was young, sleep deprived and pacing the walls of our tiny apartment during day and night trying to sooth her when she was fussy. I wish my parents had been closer but they lived in Florida and my father had recently had a heart attack. My mother needed to be there for him and where would we have put her anyway? Our granddaughter did not experience any of this and was easy.

I hope it works out for you, and suspect it will, as he will eventually recognize that you are his world while he's with you. And you will have a special bonding time with your tiny little human wonder!

Thank you. I am hoping and praying he will be okay with me. We go to Newport Coast next Saturday for a week with them. I think he will get more used to me. 10 days after we get back, my DIL goes to work again. He will be 3.5 months old by then. Maybe less crying. His sister was a breeze to take care of . She cried, I fed her, she was happy until the next bottle.

DIL is nursing him, so he keeps his eye on his food supply now.

 

[rapmarks]

Glynda I so recognize your story. Terrible colic with my son, he once cried for ten hours straight, my daughter was up every two hours until she was 14 months old. I used to hate to hear from new mothers and hose babies slept through the night right away. We all get through it somehow.

 

[Tank]

Every kid is different finding what works is an art!

Forgetting happens also. We went to the SanDiego zoo with our first child and he was crying all morning we finally gave up and left. Getting back to the hotel took off his new sneakers and the crying stopped. Forgot he didn't like shoes on waisted a lot of money that day and learned a valuable lesson.

Also recently seen a FYI moment a fussing baby instantly soothed by giving the baby a shirt her mother had on and the baby recognizing the sent calmed down instantly.

Learning curves for sure.

Good luck

Dave

 

[Quiet Pine]

When my kids were born about 50 years ago, babies were supposed to sleep on their stomachs. A quote I found: "Up until 1994, parents were urged to place their babies on their tummies to sleep, since it reduced the risk that baby would spit up and then choke during the night."

Also, it's a good time to start a 529 Plan. My grandson just moved into his freshman dorm, and monthly contributions I started 18 years ago are a help.

 

[klpca]

I think that the OP's daughter and grandson are at that difficult stage where everyone is tired and fussy. Putting him in his crib and letting him fuss for a few minutes won't hurt anyone. I agree that being available by phone just to listen would be a great help. It may also be touchy to suggest this to her, but getting off of social media would be very helpful. It's nothing but a yardstick where you feel that you will never measure up to others. I am so thankful that it wasn't a thing when I was younger!

Every baby is different. My first daughter was actually a good baby. I just didn't realize it until her sister was born four years later and screamed for the next nine months. My third was probably easy, although she never had much of a chance to be fussy - her two sisters were already on the go with school and dance/sports so she had to conform to their schedule, not the other way around. Things that I did differently between kid #1 and kid #3: Don't feed them to get to sleep. Make sure that they aren't hungry, put a dry diaper on them, spend some soothing time then let them settle themselves to sleep. There's a few minutes of fuss (and I hovered nearby to redo the soothing after 5 minutes) but eventually it becomes habit and sleep isn't the problem it once was. My first *couldn't* get to sleep unless she was nursed. Obviously a problem that had to be dealt with at some point. For us, schedules were great. Personally I thought that it helped with sleeping if bedtime always was after bath time, and that happened more or less at the same time every night. Routine is comforting for everyone.

Of course if you have a kid like my second one, everything is out the window and you just have to grit your teeth and get through it. It was truly an awful first year because she would not sleep through the night for nine months (and that only happened because at that point I just let her cry herself to sleep which took over a week and started out with over an hour of screaming and every day was a bit less until she could finally get herself back to sleep). She screamed so loudly that my neighbors in the house next door could hear it, lol. She is the reason that I started DD#3 on self soothing sleep immediately after she was born. It could have been a coincidence, but it was a very different experience between the two.

 

[mentalbreak]

Quilter,
Be a life line for her. Tell her to trust her instincts.

New parents get bombarded with so many do’s and don’ts from medical providers, the internet, friends, family, etc.

This. So much conflicting advice out there. And so many opinions about, “when my children were young...”

My sons were born in the pediatric era of absolutely no eggs until 12 months, no peanuts until 3 years. Which we followed. And soon after pediatrician advice has since done a 180.

My oldest has a severe peanut and tree nut allergies and has outgrown an anaphylactic egg allergy. So I guess that didn’t work. And my mother-in-law blames us. (I blame myself too, but we thought we were doing the best for our kids. And who knows, he could have still ended up with the same or perhaps worse allergies).

Support their decisions. Encourage them to do the best they can with the information they have. And absolutely be that lifeline!

Congratulations on you first grandchild!

 

[jme]

So those of you who use white noise, what do you use and what sounds do you like best?

Asked my daughter what she has been using (their daughter is now 6-mo old and has slept wonderfully,
always on cue to go to bed at 7:30 each evening),
and she says it's called a "Hatch", with option sounds like birds, rain, lullaby, and white noise.......

They use the white noise.

https://www.google.com/search?q=hat...zKzeLkAhWFdd8KHaj1ArIQsxgILw&biw=1280&bih=666

 

[pianodinosaur]

@Quilter:

Is this the same daughter you will be meeting in NYC for Christmas? If so, you are blessed.

 

[Quilter]

Thanks everyone for your posts.

@Quilter:

Is this the same daughter you will be meeting in NYC for Christmas? If so, you are blessed.

Yes. They will first be going to Philadelphia to visit SIL’s family then come to NYC. As military they get their block leave twice a year, summer and holidays. Their first 3 years they were in Italy so they could take their leave without feeling obligated to divide their time between families. For visits we went to them when they weren’t touring. They really got to explore Europe. Of course they missed family and the ability for get together frequently but we all wanted them to take advantage of their location.

They came back to the States last summer and were stationed for 3 months in Arizona. We explored the Southwest with them during the summer and had Thanksgiving together in Palm Desert. We met in Williamsburg for Christmas (that’s when we learned about Baby coming) and they spent New Years in Philly. Now they’re back in the States it’s a balancing act of letting them have a vacation and sharing holiday traditions. Baby is a new part of the balance. Oh and we can’t forget Little Rocky...

This Thanksgiving both sets of grandparents are going to them in NC.