Are opening gifts at a baby shower a thing of the past ?

[klpca]

Another "new one" for me.....asked to help with the wedding shower (there were actually 2, one with a church group and one with a group of friends) - I was asked to help with both (bring food, along with my gift and a decoration for the room) - While I did receive a thank you card for both occasions (and I appreciate this) I did NOT receive an invitation to the wedding (I was hurt) - honestly I would have declined the invitation to "help" and attend the shower had I known I was not close enough to be included for the wedding & reception (it was NOT private/family only).

Ugh. That smarts. I just don't understand how people think in these situations.

 

[Luanne]

Another "new one" for me.....asked to help with the wedding shower (there were actually 2, one with a church group and one with a group of friends) - I was asked to help with both (bring food, along with my gift and a decoration for the room) - While I did receive a thank you card for both occasions (and I appreciate this) I did NOT receive an invitation to the wedding (I was hurt) - honestly I would have declined the invitation to "help" and attend the shower had I known I was not close enough to be included for the wedding & reception (it was NOT private/family only).

Wow, that is cold.

I am trying to remember when I got married if I had any showers at work that included people I didn't invite to the wedding. I hope not.

 

[Patri]

I am trying to remember when I got married if I had any showers at work that included people I didn't invite to the wedding. I hope not.

Friends gave me a shower in the town I was new to, and they invited a lady I would not have invited to the wedding on my own. Since she was at the shower, I did send them an invitation. She and her husband did not come, but at least I followed the etiquette at the time. I also remember a shower in my hometown. Three ladies gave me a combined gift. I sent two thank-yous, but missed the third. My mom let me know later, and I quickly sent her one. I felt bad, since it was unintentional. I know I apologized and I'm sure she was fine.

 

[Cornell]

Reading these stories about showers, thank you notes (lack thereof, etc) makes me cringe and feel like the whole world is going topsy-turvy around me. I'm a pretty laid-back mom, but I am a STICKLER when it comes to teaching my daughter about etiquette. I overheard her one day talking to her friend and she said something like "My mom is not as cool as you think -- she's totally hard-core when it comes to making me write thank you notes". Parental victory achieved! Good manners and rules-of-etiquette are what allows society to hum along in a pleasant way.

 

[bbodb1]

As i read through this thread, it reminds me that courtesy is an exercise in civility. And as we look around these days, it seems very few people are working out.

 

[clifffaith]

Wow, that is cold.

I am trying to remember when I got married if I had any showers at work that included people I didn't invite to the wedding. I hope not.

I look back and realize I invited everyone in my office of +30 women just to avoid any hard feelings. I remember the uproar when someone brought half her wedding invitations to the office, thinking she’d bring the other half when she finished them. OMG the drama that day!

 

[AnnaS]

Another "new one" for me.....asked to help with the wedding shower (there were actually 2, one with a church group and one with a group of friends) - I was asked to help with both (bring food, along with my gift and a decoration for the room) - While I did receive a thank you card for both occasions (and I appreciate this) I did NOT receive an invitation to the wedding (I was hurt) - honestly I would have declined the invitation to "help" and attend the shower had I known I was not close enough to be included for the wedding & reception (it was NOT private/family only).

 

[Serina]

Another "new one" for me.....asked to help with the wedding shower (there were actually 2, one with a church group and one with a group of friends) - I was asked to help with both (bring food, along with my gift and a decoration for the room) - While I did receive a thank you card for both occasions (and I appreciate this) I did NOT receive an invitation to the wedding (I was hurt) - honestly I would have declined the invitation to "help" and attend the shower had I known I was not close enough to be included for the wedding & reception (it was NOT private/family only).

This recently happened to a friend. I thought it was wrong...if you’re a hostess of a shower, you should be invited to the wedding. In fact, I think if you’re invited to a bridal shower, you should be invited to the wedding. (Exception being a small family only wedding. But then those hosting should be made aware).

 

[Snazzylass]

Well that's interesting and I can see not having to personally thank someone twice. I'd never heard that before.

Yes, interesting. Just what I read in the many Etiquette books I read years and years ago, along with every book on the history of weddings and such. In reality, anybody knows that at a properly organized shower, you have a friend or family member dutifully recording each gift and organizing each card so that the giver can be properly thanked later. And, let's not forget that we need a paper plate to secure all the bows for the mock bouquet for the rehearsal. It's all in good fun, or it should be. It's so nice to meet the extended family before the wedding and such.

 

[Snazzylass]

[Another "new one" for me.....asked to help with the wedding shower (there were actually 2, one with a church group and one with a group of friends) - I was asked to help with both (bring food, along with my gift and a decoration for the room) - While I did receive a thank you card for both occasions (and I appreciate this) I did NOT receive an invitation to the wedding (I was hurt) - honestly I would have declined the invitation to "help" and attend the shower had I known I was not close enough to be included for the wedding & reception (it was NOT private/family only).

This recently happened to a friend. I thought it was wrong...if you’re a hostess of a shower, you should be invited to the wedding. In fact, I think if you’re invited to a bridal shower, you should be invited to the wedding. (Exception being a small family only wedding. But then those hosting should be made aware).

Of course that is the worst faux pas. Is it possible that another hostess assumed you would be invited when you were asked to help?

 

[Snazzylass]

So if she's a total introvert, don't have a baby shower. Many people don't enjoy parties. Many people don't enjoy parties where they are the center of attention. No one should be forced to have a baby shower thrown in their honor.

Exactly! There is a certain protocol to these things.
I felt like we always had a family tradition to throw family bridal showers whenever there was a wedding. It was fun to get together and share the excitement. The gifts were always modest and thoughtful and given with lots of love. Over the years, our family spread out and it wasn't always practical to get together. We began having showers without the recipient. We'd have the simple party in a family member's living room and bring the gifts unwrapped. Then we would wrap them there and get them to the bride or new mom who was out of town. Lots of photos would be taken and shared.
When my son got married, my sister wanted to throw a family shower for my DDIL. My son forbid it. haha. When the next one got married, I think my DDIL got a sense of what she missed out on. She particularly loves the favorite recipes which were shared. I corrected that - had friends and family do this for her. I think sometimes kids say no without even knowing what they are giving up. I know not all families have these sorts of traditions.

 

[pedro47]

We always thanks the person or group for giving us a gifts with a thanks you cards ;
With a few written words in the thanks you card.

 

[sun starved Gayle]

Original poster here. Apparently people have a lot of strong feeling about this ! It seems to be more of generational thing, I have been reading a lot on line about this topic. And the trend seems to be to not open gifts. Not that I, and apparently most of my fellow Tuggers agree with this.

I think that might be OK when all the attendees are old friends from school the same age, who have a lot to catch up on and just want to talk. More like a girl's night out. Not the case with older people.

I will have three diverse groups of people at this small shower. The extended families of the mother and father-to-be, and friends of one of the grandmothers. Someone else is giving them a friends couples shower. (I was asked if I wanted to combine and co-host the two showers and I said NO, which I am patting myself on the back for speaking up). What am I suppose to fill the time with? To me, the opening of the gifts is suppose to be the main event of the shower. These 3 groups do not know each other well. So more games for me to plan, which will need more prizes for me to purchase, more food I guess. I am not a huge fan of games, but will have some just to fill the time.

I am going to go along with the expectant mother's wishes because I do not want to create a fuss. Both expectant parents are only children, and can do absolutely no wrong in my sister-in-law's eyes. To be honest, I am giving the shower more for her sake, as she gave bridal showers for both my girls. And yes, they did open the gifts at the showers, and write thank you notes.

 

[jehb2]

Etiquette books such as Emily Post which state that Thank You notes for Shower gifts are not required.

Thank goodness I never adhere to etiquette. If someone takes the time to go buy a gift for me the least I can do is send a thank you note just to let them know I appreciate it.

 

[wackymother]

Original poster here. Apparently people have a lot of strong feeling about this ! It seems to be more of generational thing, I have been reading a lot on line about this topic. And the trend seems to be to not open gifts. Not that I, and apparently most of my fellow Tuggers agree with this.

I think that might be OK when all the attendees are old friends from school the same age, who have a lot to catch up on and just want to talk. More like a girl's night out. Not the case with older people.

I will have three diverse groups of people at this small shower. The extended families of the mother and father-to-be, and friends of one of the grandmothers. Someone else is giving them a friends couples shower. (I was asked if I wanted to combine and co-host the two showers and I said NO, which I am patting myself on the back for speaking up). What am I suppose to fill the time with? To me, the opening of the gifts is suppose to be the main event of the shower. These 3 groups do not know each other well. So more games for me to plan, which will need more prizes for me to purchase, more food I guess. I am not a huge fan of games, but will have some just to fill the time.

I am going to go along with the expectant mother's wishes because I do not want to create a fuss. Both expectant parents are only children, and can do absolutely no wrong in my sister-in-law's eyes. To be honest, I am giving the shower more for her sake, as she gave bridal showers for both my girls. And yes, they did open the gifts at the showers, and write thank you notes.

We actually played a couple of fun games at the wedding shower we went to!

1. Everyone got three paperclips on a safety pin. Whenever you heard someone say "love," "wedding," or "marriage," you would stop them and they would give you one of their paperclips. So everybody swapped paperclips around and then the person with the most paperclips at the end won a little prize. (I know this is a baby shower, so of course you would need different words...probably NOT "baby," because that's too common. But maybe "cute," "adorable," and "little.")

2. Everyone got the name of a famous couple stuck on their back with a sticker. You had to walk around and ask people yes or no questions to figure out who your famous couple was. For a baby shower, maybe you could do famous children...Shirley Temple, Lindsay Lohan, Macaulay Culkin? Or famous mothers?

3. We formed teams and wrapped one team member up as a bride using toilet paper. You could wrap people up like babies!

 

[Carta]

Glad I'm a Guy

 

[Patri]

I hate all those shower games.

 

[Luanne]

Glad I'm a Guy

Oh, they have couples' showers now. Dh's work group gave him at least one when I was pregnant.

 

[Glynda]

I wonder if the not opening gifts at showers has followed the not opening gifts at children's birthday parties. None of the parties my granddaughter had, or her friends had, included opening the gifts. My daughter told me it is to not hurt feelings or have a young child blurt out something like already having one, or worse. Perhaps a shower attendee might feel awkward if some are giving extravagant gifts and she could not.

 

[PamMo]

This thread makes me feel weird and out of touch (and sad) if these are today's mores and customs. I can't imagine going to a party to celebrate a joyous occasion (bridal shower, baby shower, child's birthday, etc.) and being made to feel awkward and out of place for giving a gift out of love. You should never give a gift to get recognition, BUT, if given a gift you should graciously express gratitude. It doesn't matter if it is a simple handmade gift or a crazy extravagant one, be thankful, humble, and kind.

 

[wackymother]

Glad I'm a Guy

My husband was at the shower and loved the twenty-questions game. He did not excel at the dressing-the-bride-in-toilet-paper game.

 

[clifffaith]

I wonder if the not opening gifts at showers has followed the not opening gifts at children's birthday parties. None of the parties my granddaughter had, or her friends had, included opening the gifts. My daughter told me it is to not hurt feelings or have a young child blurt out something like already having one, or worse. Perhaps a shower attendee might feel awkward if some are giving extravagant gifts and she could not.

I am more taken aback at not opening gifts at a kids' parties than I was when I became aware that parties given by some of my clients included very generous gift bags/favors for the children attending the party. Back in the day a "favor" was a paper cup, likely swathed in crepe paper, that came from the dime store in packs of a dozen and was filled with gum drops, jelly beans, or if Mom really went all out, M&Ms. The favors were part of the decor on the paper tablecloth, and were not to be touched until seated at the table for cake and ice cream. My birthday is Dec 30, so my parties were always in early December before school got out. For the last 30+years I celebrate on June 30, my half birthday. By the time we got finished with Christmas Eve & Day, parents anniversary on the 26th, Dad's birthday on the 27th, Dec 30 was always a let down.

 

[Glynda]

I am more taken aback at not opening gifts at a kids' parties than I was when I became aware that parties given by some of my clients included very generous gift bags/favors for the children attending the party. Back in the day a "favor" was a paper cup, likely swathed in crepe paper, that came from the dime store in packs of a dozen and was filled with gum drops, jelly beans, or if Mom really went all out, M&Ms. The favors were part of the decor on the paper tablecloth, and were not to be touched until seated at the table for cake and ice cream. My birthday is Dec 30, so my parties were always in early December before school got out. For the last 30+years I celebrate on June 30, my half birthday. By the time we got finished with Christmas Eve & Day, parents anniversary on the 26th, Dad's birthday on the 27th, Dec 30 was always a let down.

Actually, I was surprised, but relieved, when my daughter told me that my granddaughter wouldn't be opening gifts at her birthday parties as "it just isn't done anymore." It can be fun or it can be awkward with kids who haven't yet developed a filter.

 

[Snazzylass]

Thank goodness I never adhere to etiquette. If someone takes the time to go buy a gift for me the least I can do is send a thank you note just to let them know I appreciate it.

You only got half my quote. Traditionally gifts are opened at the shower and the giver is thanked in person. That is the explanation, not a lack of gratitude. But I also went on to say that for showers I've attended, it was also a bit of a tradition to record the gifts and givers so they could be thanked later. Or maybe they just recorded the information. I think we all remember the times we weren't thank.

 

[Cornell]

I have just been invited at my workplace to a baby "sprinkle". I'm super crabby as a result.