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Care doctor plan for mom in Florida

Nolathyme

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My 84-year young mom lives alone in a one level house in a gated community on the Gulf side of Florida. She can live on her own for now. There are 3 boys (including me) who all live a plane ride away from her.

I would like to make sure that mom is going to her doctor appointments and following through with care or getting second opinions and that the 3 boys are aware of what’s going on with her health.

She does not like going to the doctors, she does not ask questions when she is at the doctor’s office and she is hard of hearing. When the doctor ask how she is doing, she always says good. She has been taking friends to her doctor appointments recently since my dad died earlier this year. One of her friends also said she does not ask for the doctor notes when she leaves the office.

My plan would be to have each of the 3 boys divvy up her doctor appointments and follow through with the rest of the boys to keep us in the know. For instance, I would find out when her primary care doctor appointment is, make sure mom gets to the appointment, get the doctors notes, and follow up with the doctor with any questions concerning the appointment. I could post her doctor notes to a shared site like Box.

Does this sound like a good start? My main goal is to make sure my mom is getting good care and that all the boys share in the care.
 

Cornell

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Hi!!!! My family has been through something similar. One thing that we did (which has been a godsend) is that we hired an RN through a private nursing agency. She took my mom to all of her doc appts and essentially became my mom's "medical manager". The nurse then communicated info back to us kids. I cannot tell you how well this has worked especially as my mom started having to get more and more lab tests, had to see different specialists, etc. This RN became a point-person , knew what questions to ask, kept track of my moms meds, scheduled appts, etc -- and took her to appointments.

Recently, my mother had an ER visit. I met my mom at the ER and so did her "personal RN". Wow -- it was great. The RN knew the answers to every question that the ER asked. I would have been like "huh? I don't know".

I think your plan is well-intentioned but from my own family's experience, it gets harder and harder to manage as people age and new problems develop.

I also loved that my mom's personal RN works as her "advocate" so-to-speak.
 

VacationForever

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It is noble that you all want to divvy up the responsibility. @Cornell posted along the line of what I was just about to post. It may be a RN or certified geriatric care manager but someone local who will take her to doctors, takes notes and ask questions, keeps track of medications and health concerns. Do keep visiting your mother, as a son(s). She may also be less willing to share her health issues with her children and hiring a professional will take care of that. Of course she must be accepting of it. Tell her it is for the 3 of you to get peace of mind. If she is not willing or unable to pay for it, then divvy up the cost between the 3 of you.
 
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Cornell

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It is noble that you all want to divvy up the responsibility. @Cornell posted along the line of what I was just about to post. It may be a RN or certified geriatric care manager but someone local who will take her to doctors, takes notes and ask questions, keeps track of medications and health concerns. Do keep visiting your mother, as a son(s). She may also be less willing to share her health issues with her children and a hiring a professional will take care of that. Of course she must be accepting of it. Tell her it is for the 3 of you to get peace of mind. If she is not willing or unable to pay for it, then divvy up the cost between the 3 of you.
^^^ THIS! ^^^ My mother's RN has allowed us kids to still her "her kids". I still visit with my mom about mom/daughter stuff. And the RN does all the naggy, unpleasant things. My mother absolutely resisted this RN thing but over time, became resigned to it. And I think my mom would have hated even more if one of her own kids started "parenting" her -- better for a non-family member to be the heavy. It also has greatly reduced bad feelings / resentments among us kids with each other. I'm not a medical professional -- the RN knows what to ask at doc appts which is a huge help. She also filled my mother's medications (this was before my mom moved into assisted living). Was truly one of the best things my family has ever done.
 

rapmarks

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^^^ THIS! ^^^ My mother's RN has allowed us kids to still her "her kids". I still visit with my mom about mom/daughter stuff. And the RN does all the naggy, unpleasant things. My mother absolutely resisted this RN thing but over time, became resigned to it. And I think my mom would have hated even more if one of her own kids started "parenting" her -- better for a non-family member to be the heavy. It also has greatly reduced bad feelings / resentments among us kids with each other. I'm not a medical professional -- the RN knows what to ask at doc appts which is a huge help. She also filled my mother's medications (this was before my mom moved into assisted living). Was truly one of the best things my family has ever done.
I think I would like to have someone do the naggy things for my husband.

I am curious which city the ops mother lives in.
 
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Nolathyme

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I had a geriatric care manager come out to visit my mom and me a few months back. My mom did not want anything to do with her, mostly due to the cost - $120 per hour. I told my brothers about the care manager and one of them thought it was way too expensive to hire her to help us.

My mom is not going to pay for it, and the 3 boys as of now will not pay for it, so I am going down the path that all 3 boys most do the care giving duties – which they probably don’t want to do.
 

Passepartout

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Another option might be a continuing care retirement community. They usually have an RN or LPN who acts as a care manager for residents, they administer medications, transport them to appointments. Cheap? No. But all it takes is a fall or her getting meds mixed up to shorten her life and/or eat up her savings or potential inheritance. All us old duffers nd duffer-ettes want life nto go on as it is and to live independently in our long term homes until we are taken out feet first. The reality is that very few will live out their days in that way. And either way it works out, there will be major changes in hers and all the siblings lives.

Jim
 

vacationhopeful

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When my mother started to mentally decline, my father refused to allow HELP in the house. When Mom called the operator and said there was a "strange man" in her home, I got the panic call from my father about the '5 cops going thru his house'. My only question was "Do you want me there NOW?" I raced over to their house, and multiple police cars zipped by me.

NO cops at their home. My Dad asked me "What do you have on the Cops?" as when he got off the phone to me, they asked him "how close is your daughter?" My dad had worked 20+ years for this township in the same building as the police station ... but they feared me. I had been a victim on a few domestic violence calls .... as I did NOT think the police should just give the jerk a free trip to the next town, for other town's cops to drop him off in front of my house 20 minutes later. And HOW dare I call them to remove him from my front door AGAIN. Repeat 20 or more times over the months. The cops WHINED at me .. telling me to NOT call them any more even though I had appeared in court and he would promise "not to do it again". So I moved .... to a different town.

I told Dad, we needed to get help to care for Mom. As a landlord, I had a tenant whose husband and wife were both not working. I talked to the husband and the wife started helping with my Mom. My Dad truly disliked this woman ... was not his ideal picture of a female. But Mom truly loved her ... they had been watching the same Soaps on TV for years and that is how they spent their afternoons together. Mom was thrilled to have an engaged person to verbalize who was who on their afternoon soaps. My dad never stopped complaining about how this person "smell of smoke". I told my dad to go to his den ... Mom really enjoyed and connected with my tenant on watching "their soaps".

Worked for over a year ... with other help being added in for more hours increasing to 24 hours a day. And Mom stayed in her home and Dad finally accepted he could ONLY do so much. And by the time she moved to a nursing home ... she could not feed herself or even say a more than a word ... other than "home".
 

bogey21

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My mom did not want anything to do with her, mostly due to the cost - $120 per hour. I told my brothers about the care manager and one of them thought it was way too expensive to hire her to help us.

My mom is not going to pay for it, and the 3 boys as of now will not pay for it, so I am going down the path that all 3 boys most do the care giving duties – which they probably don’t want to do.

Letting money be the determinant irritates the Hell out of me. What needs to be done should be done and Damn the cost...

Many of you know I gave away most of my assets to my kids and ex-wife about 20 years ago. When I have extra money now (I have a great pension) I use the excess to help out my kids and ex-wife. Note that they all know not to ask for anything. I decide whom, how and when I help out. The way I look at it, this is better than leaving a bunch of money for them to fight over...

George
 

rapmarks

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When my mother was released from a long stint in rehab, my sister stayed home with her for a month and then we hired a caregiver to spend the day with her. When my sister returned from work at the end of the first week, the caregiver said she was fidgeting all day. A short time later, the police and paramedics were at the door, unknown to them, my mother called 911 to ask if she was dying. They took her to the hospital and she died a few weeks later,without returning home.
 

Brett

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Letting money be the determinant irritates the Hell out of me. What needs to be done should be done and Damn the cost...

Many of you know I gave away most of my assets to my kids and ex-wife about 20 years ago. When I have extra money now (I have a great pension) I use the excess to help out my kids and ex-wife. Note that they all know not to ask for anything. I decide whom, how and when I help out. The way I look at it, this is better than leaving a bunch of money for them to fight over...

George


That's fine for those that have a great pension but "damn the cost" could become a challenge if one does not have a great pension.
 
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Passepartout

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What irritates me are those who have the money and aren't willing to spend it for the benefit of a family member...
What irritates me is elderly folks avoiding their own care in the misplaced feeling that they are saving the money 'for the kids'.
 

elaine

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I hired a nursing assistant from a service. About $30/Hr. she comes 4hrs/2x week. 1st one did not work out. 2nd one is great. Mom loves her. She can take to dr Pt and checks her meds box that they’re properly disbursed simple meal prep companionship.
I clump all rechecks/routines into 1 week and I go down and take mom to a dr appt each day for 4 days in a row. I also am on all hippa forms so that I can call and talk to the nurse in the interim. That is working for now.
 
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There are plenty of senior organizations in most counties that can help point you in the right direction. As the posts say above, prices vary. And yes, having someone your senior parent enjoys being with is important.

I too agree with bogey21 and passepartout with family having money yet refusing to help the parent out. My dad is 85, a widower, lives alone, but we all live within a half hour drive. When I hang out with him, taking him on errands (I am also his Health Insurance Agent), etc he complains about his mounting bills. I'm not sure if he knows that the family is working on that part, as he was in ICU twice last year for significant illnesses. But if they aren't, boy would I be PO'd! My brother (and his wife) have 5 cars and own a nice 2-story home, and they also send their son (my nephew) to after-school activities. My sister (and her husband) have twin daughters who go to private elementary school as well as after-school activities. My other brother (and wife) live in an exclusive community in Thousand Oaks CA and they have 2 cars and a Hummer H2. If one of them said they can't afford to help our dad out, I would simply say cut YOUR expenses! With my wife and I, I am the primary bread-winner, we have one car (as a truck driver I am home once a month so I just rent a car then), a 700 sq ft apartment for $725/month outside Orlando, and I think I have around a hundred $$$ left over after all bills and food are paid.

TS
 

VacationForever

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I come from a culture where families help each other out. In fact children are responsible for their parents and give a portion of their salary to their parents when they start working. I can never understand when children do not help their parents out financially, especially for care, food and shelter.
 

clifffaith

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@swj You live a plane ride away from your mom, but it isn't any easier having elderly parents just in the next town over. Good news is my mother is an excellent note taker and record keeper (bad news is I get the unabridged version of anything going on, starting with "I made the first call to Elaine (the hospice nurse, side note about what everyone in Elaine's family is doing for Thanksgiving this year)..." And continuing in excruciating detail. Bad news is my father is "more comfortable" (Mom's words) having her clean him up after he pukes and clean the floors after he doesn't make it to the bathroom. Seriously, we (Cliff, Hope and I) are just waiting for him to die so we can wrangle her into taking care of her own health which is suffering. Dad isn't going to get better, the bad air quality from last week's fires took him down a notch (not sure the morphine they are using to ease his breathing is doing him any good either), and in the meantime we watch Mom wait on him hand and foot to the detriment of her own health. They have money to get help, but she didn't let the helpers help all that much when Dad first came home from the hospital in February. She stopped the help by the end of March. About all we can do is watch them stew in their own juices, lend an ear to Mom's detailed updates, and stand by to help in a major crisis.
 

silentg

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When my mother was released from a long stint in rehab, my sister stayed home with her for a month and then we hired a caregiver to spend the day with her. When my sister returned from work at the end of the first week, the caregiver said she was fidgeting all day. A short time later, the police and paramedics were at the door, unknown to them, my mother called 911 to ask if she was dying. They took her to the hospital and she died a few weeks later,without returning home.
Sorry for your loss
 

silentg

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@swj You live a plane ride away from your mom, but it isn't any easier having elderly parents just in the next town over. Good news is my mother is an excellent note taker and record keeper (bad news is I get the unabridged version of anything going on, starting with "I made the first call to Elaine (the hospice nurse, side note about what everyone in Elaine's family is doing for Thanksgiving this year)..." And continuing in excruciating detail. Bad news is my father is "more comfortable" (Mom's words) having her clean him up after he pukes and clean the floors after he doesn't make it to the bathroom. Seriously, we (Cliff, Hope and I) are just waiting for him to die so we can wrangle her into taking care of her own health which is suffering. Dad isn't going to get better, the bad air quality from last week's fires took him down a notch (not sure the morphine they are using to ease his breathing is doing him any good either), and in the meantime we watch Mom wait on him hand and foot to the detriment of her own health. They have money to get help, but she didn't let the helpers help all that much when Dad first came home from the hospital in February. She stopped the help by the end of March. About all we can do is watch them stew in their own juices, lend an ear to Mom's detailed updates, and stand by to help in a major crisis.
This is very difficult. You are in my thoughts, never easy dealing with parents who won’t cooperate, no one can do it alone.
 

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