Hosting holiday dinners for family that doesn't get along

[klpca]

It's that time of year again. The holidays. I'm looking for some creative solutions. I keep doing thing the way that I have always done them, but I'm now starting to dread the holidays. My parents divorced over 40 years ago and we are still having issues. Here's a quick rundown of the players:

My immediate family: We are Switzerland. We have a large home. We get along with everyone. We have our opinions, but we keep them to ourselves, especially when entertaining.
Mom: Lives alone, small house. Gets along pretty well with everyone, with the exception of my dad. Hate does not overstate her feelings about him.
Dad: Lives with one of my siblings in a small home. Captain Oblivious when it comes to my mom. Politically vocal. Loves to share his point of view. Is angry about everything. Just a peach.
Sibling #1: For the most part is ok. A saint for living with my father. Regularly criticizes things such as my decision to add a dollop of sour cream to my mashed potatoes last year.
Spouse of Sibling #1: Rabid raw food eater. I am not even kidding. Brings baggies of food to eat to every holiday dinner. Obviously does not cook meals.
Sibling #2: Spends about 50% of holidays with the in-laws. Recently downsized to an apartment. Has issues being around my dad.
Spouse of Sib#2: Normal, no complaints.
Nieces and Nephews: Normal, no complaints.

So, it usually defaults to me hosting, which I don't mind and in fact somewhat enjoy. But the seating arrangements are getting difficult. We have to keep mom and dad apart, as in separate rooms. Which means that my husband and I have to split up for every meal. While our house is large, creating a table that seats 20+ requires some major rearranging every holiday, and just using my farmhouse table in the kitchen, plus the dining room table is infinitely easier. For a few years we would always travel during Thanksgiving which got us off the hook, but now that things have changed with the death of my stepmom and with everyone downsizing into small homes, we are the only people who can accommodate the family gatherings. We can't travel this year because of work so I know that I will be home, yet I can't bring myself to extend the invitation. I am totally dreading it (I realize now because there were definitely some issues at Christmas last year). Any suggestions? If you have a dysfunctional family, how do you handle it?

 

[bnoble]

Just reading what you've written, I don't see why you should invite both over at the same time. There is no rule that says you have to. And, again based on only what you've written, I would split it into Mom/Sibling 2 and Dad/Sibling 1. And now *really* reading between the lines of what you've written, I might not bother inviting Dad/Sibling 1 very often.

I have a vaguely similar situation. I no longer invite everyone at once, and I also find myself inviting one set more often than the other. The other brought that on themselves, hasn't done what it would take to mend fences, and I'm coming to peace with not having to take responsibility for that.

My siblings are all more or less on the same page. It's not our job to fix the relationships between other people, and if they can't be in the same room, we don't ask them to try.

 

[klpca]

Just reading what you've written, I don't see why you should invite both over at the same time. There is no rule that says you have to. And, again based on only what you've written, I would split it into Mom/Sibling 2 and Dad/Sibling 1. And now *really* reading between the lines of what you've written, I might not bother inviting Dad/Sibling 1 very often.

I have a vaguely similar situation. I no longer invite everyone at once, and I also find myself inviting one set more often than the other. The other brought that on themselves, hasn't done what it would take to mend fences, and I'm coming to peace with not having to take responsibility for that.

I guess that my thinking is that someone will be alone, but maybe that is not my problem. This was the kind of thinking that I was looking for. I have never considered splitting them up on the holidays, but that would solve a lot of problems. Such a PITA to have people who still cannot get along!

 

[VacationForever]

If you don't mind the expenses, simply host them in a restaurant, with specific seating arrangements.

 

[Luanne]

I have no suggestions, but I feel for you.

 

[WinniWoman]

I would cancel it and go away for the holidays! LOL!

 

[klpca]

I would cancel it and go away for the holidays! LOL!

I'm on Interval right now looking for some place nearby lolol.

 

[geekette]

There is no reason that you should feel that you have to do this. You don't. I have opted out of many "family holidays" that I knew would be miserable for me. Dread is a horrible feeling that I find I can avoid by simply not agreeing to be coerced into things that I do not want to do.

I wouldn't do gymnastics over seating, ever. Provide tables and chairs and let adults sort it out themselves. Try not to let their problems be your problems.

 

[geekette]

I guess that my thinking is that someone will be alone, but maybe that is not my problem. This was the kind of thinking that I was looking for. I have never considered splitting them up on the holidays, but that would solve a lot of problems. Such a PITA to have people who still cannot get along!

Please don't bother worrying about someone being alone. Anyone willing to hold long grudges made their own bed on that.

Frankly, I became relieved when my sis had kids and my folks starting going down there for holidays. It was sweet peace for me and DH. My only rule is that Mom must not be alone for Christmas. As near kid, and Dad gone for over 20 years, it's an honor and obligation.

this thanksgiving, I am quite likely to be home alone and no qualms about it. Not everyone feels the need to celebrate holidays. I am grateful for the people in my life every day. I feel same on Valentine's Day. If you care about someone, it shouldn't take a specific box on a calendar to do something about it. and all of us can do without the work, expectations and stress of maintaining holiday traditions that none of us are up for.

 

[geekette]

It's not our job to fix the relationships between other people, and if they can't be in the same room, we don't ask them to try.

needed its own post

 

[Cornell]

I would cancel it and go away for the holidays! LOL!

I love this. Right on. The holidays are very tough for me for a whole variety of reasons. This year I'm opting out. Going on a trip at Thanksgiving w/my gentleman-friend. Christmas I'm escaping with one of my sisters.

 

[DaveNV]

I learned long ago that it isn’t my job to fix the lives of others. Invite those you’d like to share with, and don’t waste the energy feeling bad for those who don’t get an invite. It’s your house, your time, your holiday.

Dave

 

[RonB]

If you succumb to the feeling that you should invite everyone either tell everyone that it will be the last time you host if everyone doesn't get along, or the last time anyone not getting along will be invited.

 

[klpca]

There is no reason that you should feel that you have to do this. You don't. I have opted out of many "family holidays" that I knew would be miserable for me. Dread is a horrible feeling that I find I can avoid by simply not agreeing to be coerced into things that I do not want to do.

I wouldn't do gymnastics over seating, ever. Provide tables and chairs and let adults sort it out themselves. Try not to let their problems be your problems.

Mostly trying to avoid shouting matches sadly. But i don't need to worry about seating if they are not here at the same time. I'm rethinking my strategy - not sure how its going to shake out but something will work out.

 

[geist1223]

I remember during my first marriage and there were problems with the Holidays (my parents were divorced) and how they were divided. It helped that for the first 5.5 years of our marriage we were gone as I was in the Marine Corps. Home for 3 years while in Law School. Then gone for 5.25 years in the Army. We established a few firm Rules. Thanksgiving belonged to my Mom. She loved to cook the big meal and have over lots of people. Easter belonged to my MIL. Christmas was our Holiday and do not show up unless invited. You might think this cut out my Dad. But we got together around the Holidays with him and his concubine several times during the Holiday Season and always threw him a big Birthday Party.

 

[DaveNV]

I remember during my first marriage and there were problems with the Holidays (my parents were divorced) and how they were divided. It helped that for the first 5.5 years of our marriage we were gone as I was in the Marine Corps. Home for 3 years while in Law School. Then gone for 5.25 years in the Army. We established a few firm Rules. Thanksgiving belonged to my Mom. She loved to cook the big meal and have over lots of people. Easter belonged to my MIL. Christmas was our Holiday and do not show up unless invited. You might think this cut out my Dad. But we got together around the Holidays with him and his concubine several times during the Holiday Season and always threw him a big Birthday Party.

Thanksgiving was always my Mom's holiday, too. She'd invite a zillion people, but at the first inkling of argument, she'd quietly invite that person to leave. It was humiliating for them to be asked to leave like that, since everyone knew what was going on. She rarely had to do it. Most years everyone got along quite well.

Dave

 

[Luanne]

Thanksgiving was always my Mom's holiday, too. She'd invite a zillion people, but at the first inkling of argument, she'd quietly invite that person to leave. It was humiliating for them to be asked to leave like that, since everyone knew what was going on. She rarely had to do it. Most years everyone got along quite well.

Dave

We rotated Thanksgiving when I was growing up. It was always at one of my aunt and uncle's (after my grandparents got too old to host it). The host family would make the turkey, potatoes and stuffing, everyone else would bring something. For some reason it was never at our house. Didn't have to do with how much room we had, I think no one wanted my mom to cook the turkey. Luckily the whole family got along, no one ever had to be asked to leave.

 

[Glynda]

No reason not to just tell everyone that you are not up to it this year and suggest that, if they wish, they make arrangements to get together elsewhere, with or without you.

You don't have to do this. If the family wants to have some sort of tradition in order to be together, each sibling should take turns hosting. Even if it means being seated at their smaller homes eating on laps or at another venue that they are responsible for arranging when it's their turn. The siblings should agree that should mom and dad start fussing, one or both will be asked to leave. There's nothing like setting boundaries to free one of dread and/or guilt. Most of the time it also frees those who have been enabled to behave as they have...eventually... because most will resist at first. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Good luck!

 

[VacationForever]

This year, it will just be the two of us going to a nice hotel restaurant. We have been spoilt for several years going to our neighbors' home for Thanksgiving when we were in California. Last year we went to a friend's friend home. We decided not to do that again. We like smaller groups with people we like and have real conversations.

Our dear friends spend every Thanksgiving with their kids and grandkids in Rancho Mirage where they book several rooms at Westin Mission Hills. Since a couple of years ago they decided to no longer cook and simply go over to the restaurant at Westin Desert Willow. No cooking and clean up and everyone is happy. Our friends book the rooms and their children pick up the dinner tab.

 

[clifffaith]

When the phone invitation arrived for a pre-Christmas Sunday brunch a friend held each year, we were surprised one year when she said would you like to come December 7th or December 14th? Asked her why two dates and the answer was that it was too hard on her (she was early 70's at that time) to prepare a buffet for almost 30 people, that it was much easier to seat 14 people at the table and gave her more time to visit too. For several years after that I'd do two holiday dinner parties, a week apart, and yes it was easier. I could see doing a holiday brunch on Christmas Eve day with half the group, and having time to recover for Christmas dinner for the other half.

 

[WinniWoman]

This thread is reminding me of our family holidays when I was young. You want to talk about fighting? Well, imagine a huge Italian family. LOUD! Everyone has to talk over each other to be heard. More food than you could ever imagine from morning to late into the night. Women in the kitchen cooking and all that. Men with the TV blasting with football games on. Constant yelling and arguing about everything under the sun. Some crying sometimes. Heck- once in a while a piece of furniture broken.

No political correctness. Everything is on the table. Some food thrown. A lot of drinking by some. Various acquaintances stopping by for a little while. They loved the commotion and thought it was so funny and it was! Then the musical instruments would come out! The young people- the cousins (us) laughing through it all. To us it was entertainment. I do miss those days! LOL!

Our holidays are the complete opposite now.

 

[silentg]

We prefer quiet get togethers on Thanksgiving. It will be just 5 of us this year. We used to have parents and or friends over or got invited to friends houses when our kids were living far from home.
All parents have passed, siblings have their own growing families, so we just will have a low key dinner with immediate family.
Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Silentg

 

[geekette]

Mostly trying to avoid shouting matches sadly. But i don't need to worry about seating if they are not here at the same time. I'm rethinking my strategy - not sure how its going to shake out but something will work out.

Buffet! Have an Open House. carve and fill containers over sternos early. relax in whatever your favorite chair is. put on the parade or football or silly Christmas movies... chill and visit with your guests... folks can help themselves and mingle to their content.

pick a range of hours you can stand. put the food away 2 hrs before that for best results...

make as many gathering spaces as you can. a friend of mine used garage for games, got rid of cars and had card tables over here, dart board over there, foosball. fridge with drinks. back patio if the weather is nice. ditto front porch.

 

[turkel]

Well we call family get together’s “dinner and a show”. Someone always ends up in tears or arguing. We tolerate it for the Holidays but 2 of my siblings and I have found when it’s just the 3 of us with spouses we have a great time.

So we have occasional get together’s with just the six of us. It’s a secret don’t tell mom or the fourth sibling.

 

[klpca]

Well we call family get together’s “dinner and a show”. Someone always ends up in tears or arguing. We tolerate it for the Holidays but 2 of my siblings and I have found when it’s just the 3 of us with spouses we have a great time.

So we have occasional get together’s with just the six of us. It’s a secret don’t tell mom or the fourth sibling.

Lolol. "Dinner and a show". I love it. Btw, we play bingo during that space between dinner and dessert. Otherwise, dad is really into full pontification mode and some have had a few glasses of wine. That's when the fireworks start.

But guys, I am not doing it this year. I haven't decided if I am doing two separate days, or if I am going to leave some folks to figure out their own gathering, or maybe go out to dinner with Dad and have mom over the next day, but it is going to change this year. It's been interesting and helpful to read everyone's thoughts on the matter.