Hosting holiday dinners for family that doesn't get along

[bnoble]

this thanksgiving, I am quite likely to be home alone and no qualms about it.

I did this a couple of years ago. Put a rack of ribs with a wicked dry rub in a low and slow oven, and got out a good book. It wasn't the Thanksgiving I expected, but it was a great one.

 

[WinniWoman]

I love watching the Macy's parade on TV in my pj's.

 

[Patri]

I'm pretty shocked by all the horrible stories of Thanksgiving. Never experienced that and hope I never will. It has always been a day to look forward to and enjoy the time with relatives. And way back when, my aunt's chocolate chip pie.

 

[presley]

Ugh. You have my sympathy. After my parents both died, I thought I'd never have to do another holiday with family. I really couldn't understand my why my brothers still wanted to get together. It took me a few years to get over that and we don't have the issues that we used to have. The psychotic alcoholic father was gone, the passive aggressive mother gone and the brothers who were addicted to drugs got clean and sober. I still hate Thanksgiving, though. I've had some good ones, but the bad ones far outweigh the good ones.

At any rate, one of the things we do now is go to Barona for the buffet. It's super inexpensive for a buffet of that size, there's no alcohol, so nobody can get drunk and obnoxious and it has pretty much any kind of food you can imagine. With a group as large as yours, while the tables would be all put together, people who don't want to talk to each other won't be able to. It's just an idea for this year or for another joyous family get together . We do all get along now, but I wish we had Barona back when our holidays were so drama filled. It would have really kept things under control. It also has the benefit of not having people stay too long.

If you do host, check in with yourself before you invite each person/family. If it gives you a shot of stress when you think about inviting, just don't do it. This should be a very nice day for you, too and you need to put yourself first. Everyone else can take care of themselves just like they all let you take care of yourself.

 

[klpca]

I actually thought our dynamic was normal until I did holidays with my in-laws. Those are absolutely wonderful - not perfect because nothing ever is - but everyone is truly nice to each other, and no one complains about anything. I am pretty sure that no one on my husband's side of the family has ever raised a voice at a holiday. It's not in their DNA. We have the option of spending the day with them, but since both my husband and my oldest daughter have to work on Wed and Friday, it's tough to justify the drive in traffic to LA on Thanksgiving day.

The saddest part of the whole thing is that my dad is very lonely and craves family time, but he is so miserable to be around that everyone avoids him. We have all talked to him about it and not surprisingly, his take is that *we* are the ones with the problem. I told him one year that we were having a "politics free" holiday, and he went on and on about how there was no such thing as free speech anymore. Now he just makes snide comments about how he's not "allowed" to have any opinions when he comes to my home (lolol, not that it does any good - he still makes a ton of comments) but at least the most forceful comments seem to stay inside of his head. Oh well, it could be worse. We were talking to an acquaintance the other day whose father-in-law and mother-in-law both have Alzheimers, and they are only in their late 70's. It was a sobering conversation. So while I have my somewhat minor annoyances, it is nothing compared to what they are going through.

 

[Suesue1738]

I saw this on FB the other day:
Here's your reminder about the holidays:
You don't have to drag your children to a meal where Uncle Frank will be trashed again, just because he is "family."
You don't have to sit through brunch with your mother as she lectures you about breastfeeding + all the other mothering choices you missed the mark on or why you're not married or doing "X" yet, just because she is "family,"
You don't have to look the other way or bite your tongue when your sister tosses that passive-aggressive comment your way, again, just because she's "family"
You don't have to dress up, smile, and act as if your brother isn't high or your aunt isn't cheating on your uncle again, just because they are "family"
You certainly don't have to defend yourself, your healing, your sanity, and your choices with folks who don't get you, don't support you, and may never, just because they are "family"
And you don't have to spend weeks emotionally gutted afterwards, because you exhausted yourself for the sake of all the hallmark holiday pressure BS that never seems to unfold as you expected or hoped, again.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: God provides for us a nurturing family that may (or may not) be blood related. Spend your energy and time wisely, my friends. We only have one shot at this life, and turkey shouldn't change a dang thing!

We will spend Thanksgiving with some dear friends and leave the drama behind.

 

[bbodb1]

I learned long ago that it isn’t my job to fix the lives of others. Invite those you’d like to share with, and don’t waste the energy feeling bad for those who don’t get an invite. It’s your house, your time, your holiday.

Dave

This is so good, it is worth repeating!

 

[bbodb1]

....The saddest part of the whole thing is that my dad is very lonely and craves family time, but he is so miserable to be around that everyone avoids him. We have all talked to him about it and not surprisingly, his take is that *we* are the ones with the problem. I told him one year that we were having a "politics free" holiday, and he went on and on about how there was no such thing as free speech anymore. Now he just makes snide comments about how he's not "allowed" to have any opinions when he comes to my home (lolol, not that it does any good - he still makes a ton of comments) but at least the most forceful comments seem to stay inside of his head. Oh well, it could be worse. We were talking to an acquaintance the other day whose father-in-law and mother-in-law both have Alzheimers, and they are only in their late 70's. It was a sobering conversation. So while I have my somewhat minor annoyances, it is nothing compared to what they are going through.

I have an idea on this.
Take your father on a quick trip with just the 2 of you. Hopefully you live near someplace where you can sit and gaze at the beauty of nature.
Walden Pond.
The Rocky Mountains.
A Great Lake.
The Continental Divide Trail (or Appalachian, or...)
The Grand Canyon.
A giant redwood forest.
Something simply marvelous and breathtaking.

Take your father out there, and sit.
Say nothing.
Do nothing.
Look at the scenery.
Enjoy the silence.
Together.
Give him a hug.
Then return home.

I can think of far worse ways to spend a day.

 

[Makai Guy]

 

[SmithOp]

I solved it this year by booking a great deal on a cruise out of Long Beach, 7 days Mexico. I’m not getting off the ship, no phone, no wifi, total relax.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

 

[rickandcindy23]

Oh, I know what you mean. It's enough to make the pumpkin pie taste sour.

Our kids used to get along, until last Christmas, when a major blow up happened between all three of them. It has created a rift that hasn't mended. Holidays are going to be tough this year. One of our kids has always just taken everything on the chin, kind of just took it, when the others said thing that were hurtful, but this last year, that child decided to be defensive, got agitated, started playing a game on the cell phone.

Unfortunately, one of our kids is a gossip and won't stop slamming the others to me. I am not going to gossip about any of my kids or their kids or their spouses. That child makes some good points about the others and their spouses, but I don't want to engage in nasty gossip, and now there is a major rift between that child and me because I told that child that I wouldn't continue with those kinds of conversations.

Notice how I was gender neutral.

All of my kids are fairly successful at life, but admittedly, there are flaws and resentment with all of them toward one another. Three kids, three different personalities, and then add in spouses, including one that is fiercely constantly defending one of the kids, and we have a dynamic that will make the holidays tough this year.

I know my DIL would like to do holidays with her parents instead of us, and I have encouraged her to do it.

I wish we could all agree to do Christmas at our house every year, but we are rotating and it's Thanksgiving for us this year.

 

[taterhed]

I find that a good holiday is naturally improved by two things:

1. A liberal dosing of distilled spirits. Fermented spirits will do for the 'less-tolerant' crowd.
2. A natural 'herd behavior' as dictated by our lower brains. By lower brains, I mean the medulla. Shame on you. The 'Alpha Group' should mostly congregate out-of-doors. Before you start, don't make any assumptions about just who the 'alpha group' is.

Ok, three things.

3. Turkey is a wonderful sleep aid. Why, after liberally imbibing in #1 (see above) and generously exercising your mind, body and soul (see #2 above) with your herd....that turkey should put you to sleep faster than George Foreman's roundhouse. (that's a punch, not a cooking device from QVC)

Of course, use caution:

• Unlike petroleum lubricants, distilled/fermented lubricants generate a LOT of friction if applied too liberally. A generous dose of Turkey (see #3 above) can often restore the lubricity.
• Watch for too many 'young bucks' (or does) challenging the alpha during the herd activities. I would have used wolf-packs as the appropriate example, but we have too many censors on this forum for that analogy....
• Avoid exposing your herd to 24 hour cable news services. Herd behavior generates dangerous vapors and fumes that are easily ignited by the explosive elements present in 3-5 letter news programs. Especially indoors in the presence of lubricants. See #2 above. If things get too hot, throw turkey on the fire--not lubricants.

Honestly? I feel for you.

At holidays, I find that 'too many words' spoil the pudding.

 

[klpca]

Oh, I know what you mean. It's enough to make the pumpkin pie taste sour.

Our kids used to get along, until last Christmas, when a major blow up happened between all three of them. It has created a rift that hasn't mended. Holidays are going to be tough this year. One of our kids has always just taken everything on the chin, kind of just took it, when the others said thing that were hurtful, but this last year, that child decided to be defensive, got agitated, started playing a game on the cell phone.

Unfortunately, one of our kids is a gossip and won't stop slamming the others to me. I am not going to gossip about any of my kids or their kids or their spouses. That child makes some good points about the others and their spouses, but I don't want to engage in nasty gossip, and now there is a major rift between that child and me because I told that child that I wouldn't continue with those kinds of conversations.

Notice how I was gender neutral.

All of my kids are fairly successful at life, but admittedly, there are flaws and resentment with all of them toward one another. Three kids, three different personalities, and then add in spouses, including one that is fiercely constantly defending one of the kids, and we have a dynamic that will make the holidays tough this year.

I know my DIL would like to do holidays with her parents instead of us, and I have encouraged her to do it.

I wish we could all agree to do Christmas at our house every year, but we are rotating and it's Thanksgiving for us this year.

When we step out of our family "roles" it really messes with other family members. Ask me how I know, lol. I'm supposed to accept everything which I did for a long time. When I pushed back it caused all kinds of upset, even though others in the family do it all the time. Good for your kid that stopped putting up with stuff.

Also, I lost a friend when I stopped listening to their gossip. They were so offended when I suggested that we should talk about other things. Oh well. Such is life. People like the status quo.