We've had a break through with Mom -- assisted living is on the table!

[clifffaith]

To the OP, suggestion only, asked your local Hospices organization for a home health aide. In our area they were very helpful with referrals.

Please explain upfront to the agency that your Dad is not a hospice patient, but the family needs a good home health aide to care for him.

He is a hospice patient. Hospice provides a shower lady twice a week, a doctor comes every so often, nurses and social workers weekly or more often depending how he's doing. The hospital bed and tray were removed at my father's insistence, but will be returned if necessary. Mom refuses care assistance because Dad is more comfortable with her tending to his every need.

 

[Fredward]

Trust me - with most of my life working in the Home Health Care Industry - when I tell you it is not the pay. It is the nature of the work.

Absolutely correct! And when other businesses in the area pay $5 an hour more an hour as a starting salary, its making the decision to quit even easier. We were paying $6000 a month to the facility and they were starting aides off at $8.50.

 

[WinniWoman]

Absolutely correct! And when other businesses in the area pay $5 an hour more an hour as a starting salary, its making the decision to quit even easier. We were paying $6000 a month to the facility and they were starting aides off at $8.50.

Yes- it's harder to do the health care job (and it can be messier) than to be a cashier, for example.

 

[Firepath]

My 90 mother in law is in a senior living (not assisted) gated complex in El Cajon. Not the best of locations, but it really is nice and it's affordable. Her closest relative is in Carlsbad. She has her own apartment with a kitchenette but can get 3 meals at dining room if she wants. She still has her car and drives, but they also have transportation. Some residents hire outside help if they need. My mother in law sold her house and grudgingly move in there a couple of years ago, but now she loves it. She is never lonely and the residents all keep an eye on each other. Maybe something like that would work for your mom since she is more independent.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

That's how the downward trend happened with my parents. Mom with getting a garden fungus in her eye, leading to a cornea transplant, hasn't driven since May 2017. Totally freak occurrence that took her from driving to dependent over night. ("Good" eye has developed a cataract that should be removed but they've held off hoping the transplant would restore sight in the bad eye; the two year old transplant is now showing hints of rejection).

Dad's driving just started to go downhill as he aged, such that my sister drove if they were going somewhere together because she was afraid to be in the car with him driving. A parking lot accident summer 2018 led to being called in to an off sight DMV office where they talked to him to determine if he still had his wits about him, and I think to watch him maneuver around to see how physically able he was. That led to a DMV driving test just a few days before last Christmas which he failed. He insisted he'd try again, but by Christmas Day he decided he'd give up driving.

Two days later, on his 86th birthday, paramedics took him to the hospital; we think the stress of giving up the DL brought on the asthma attack, and with him already having COPD, it was not a good situation. After a month in the hospital and rehab, he came home with hospice. Appeared to be on death's door, but rallied in the spring so he was up moving around, although still housebound. Our Oct/Nov fires and bad air dropped him to a new low, but he is now able to get out of bed again some days, although so unstable on his feet we wish he wouldn't.

Not really much that can be done about ageing, and everyone ages at their own pace. The difference between my father when he was 81 and we had to put a stair chair in at our house for him, and Cliff at 81 is striking. I am an old 63 because of my back/leg issues. But the freak accident my Mom had, out in her beloved garden and not even realizing that something had been introduced to her eye until she woke up with her eye streaming two days later, means one's life can be turned upside down in an instant.

something similar happened to my mum. She was always in great shape and great health until one day she woke up and couldn’t walk.
It took me and her sister an hour to get her from the family room to the garage to get her in the car so I could take her to the hospital.
She was diagnosed with GBM brain cancer at age 83

 

[WinniWoman]

something similar happened to my mum. She was always in great shape and great health until one day she woke up and couldn’t walk.
It took me and her sister an hour to get her from the family room to the garage to get her in the car so I could take her to the hospital.
She was diagnosed with GBM brain cancer at age 83

Wow. That is so sad. Sorry...

 

[pedro47]

My prays are with you Sugarcubesea.

 

[jehb2]

My mom lives in a senior high rise. It’s independent living and she owns the condo. Many residents have home health aids. She’s been there for 3 years and absolutely loves it. But, It took 10 years for us to get her to move. I totally understand how difficult their situation is. I have numerous friends and acquaintances in the same situation. Hang in there.

 

[clifffaith]

I learned directly of Mom's relenting on assisted living (the original comment had been made to Cliff, not me) when as we were leaving their home early last week and she hit me with "I'm going to sell this house right out from under you and Hope". Said matter of factly, not with malice, when we were standing with our coats in our hands pending departure. I was miffed that we'd been there an hour and she hit me with it as we were leaving. I said good, she should use her money for her care, and we left.

So of course Cliff started meddling behind the scenes. He couldn't get his mom into assisted living, so now that he has seen my mom relent on the idea he is in hyper drive. Unbeknownst to Mom, Cliff set up tours and we have visited two facilities. One is $10K per month, the other (literally around the block from her home) is $7Kish. Many many more "old ladies with walkers" than we've seen when we've visited our more independent living oriented CCRC in Carlsbad. Three meals a day with table/menu service, transportation to doctors and outings, beautiful surroundings, no in unit kitchens, but a small fridge and they can have a microwave. Other than the idea of the monthly cash outlay, Mom should be very happy.

We took tacos for lunch to my parents after one of the tours. That's when we realized that being open to assisted living was some far off date in my mother's mind. Her comment was "I told Hope when I can no longer care for myself she can put me in assisted living". We said nothing, especially because I want Mom to get used to being a widow before making any moves, and second and somewhat meanly on my part, I want her to see what being alone with no transportation while my sister leaves for two weeks of pet sitting is like. And selfishly I want Mom to make a move when she is fully capable of handling the sale of her home, with our help. She'll be 85 next month, can't see well, has some mobility issues, I think the move should happen before she turns 88 -- sooner if other health issues come up.

On Sunday Cliff came up with what I thought is a great idea. If Mom moves to AL, that leaves Hope unable to afford an apartment by herself on her SS disability. So Mom will have to kick in funds. What if Hope went to AL with Mom? Those calls were made, and yes, especially with Hope being "disabled", a two bedroom can be had, with meals, for less than she can rent an apartment in our area. Will she want to live with the walker brigade? I'm guessing that is a big fat no, but it may be a good solution.

I sent my sister an email after Mom's comment about "selling the house out from under" her daughters, thinking it was said in frustration at Hope. I gently suggested that once Dad was gone, that Hope wouldn't have to go pet sitting to avoid him, and/or could take local jobs rather than drive well over an hour away. And I said if she was around to help Mom, they both could continue to live "rent free" (mortgage paid off years ago; my parents don't charge my sister rent because she drives Mom to hair and doctors appts when she deigns to stay in town) for years to come. Hope's reply was Mom could go with her to pet sitting in Pacific Palisades, the pet owners wouldn't mind; or that she could call Mom from PP every evening; or that I could go sleep on Mom's couch. In other words totally clueless.

Big thanks to the Tugger who told me I need to think of Hope not as unwilling, but as incapable. That helps a lot.

 

[silentg]

I am glad your Mom is slowly realizing.

We are currently dealing w/ this as a family. Mom’s Mom, now 100yr old, is fiercely fighting against moving to assisted living. Currently my Mom is her night aide and is miserable. Unfortunately due to my Grandmother’s mental illness and being her only living child , my Mother has had to be her caregiver, in some capacity, since I can remember. We’ve already told my Mom that she has a year and then Grandma has to move. It’s taken some time for my Mom to rebound after my Dad’s death so we all hate to see her miserable.

Then add my Husband just lost his Mom. And there was a major disagreement regarding her Care, so it’s a huge discussion point in my family.

So sorry for your loss, I hope you can convince your Mother to put grandma in assisted living or get her 24 hour care, it’s very draining on your mother to be her mother’s caretaker.
Silentg

 

[capjak]

Hope all works out well. My Mom spent her final 6 years in assisted living (4 months in nursing home). I would recommend meeting with an elder care Lawyer to make sure all finances etc. are in order as my Dad lived at home the entire time and it took a toll on the finances.