Great to read that you are enjoying life. Just curious, this is a different person from the one who would not go watch you perform/dance? This one sounds like a great person.
Thanks, I am indeed trying to wring Smiles from life! Flower garden blooming, veggies growing, arts and crafts happening, spring cleaning making everything brighter and shinier!! trying to get surroundings under control before getting rotator cuff repair (yikes, I don't want it, I gotta have it....)
Current boyfriend did indeed stand me up when I bought him a ticket to an event this past December. I am still assessing his level of support for my endeavors and his level of thoughtfulness towards me. It is honestly not looking good but there is reason to hope.
persons with zero interest in my personal life can skip the rest of this post. apologies for ramblings to come next...
He did call before my last performance, but said stupid crap like "break a leg", just an awful thing to say to a dancer!! Glad I didn't hear it until I returned home after my performance. I later told him that he doesn't have to be involved and it seems that he is taking that escape route. Although he has had a couple lessons, I can't remember the last time he tried to dance with me so I know it is not going to be a couples activity for us. Seems like a foolish decision on his part, but that does seem to be his decision. He may come down this weekend, but either way, I'm going to Fri night dance party. I am living my life and he can try to be part of it or not.
Since we don't live near each other (2 hr drive), I don't plan to tell him about future performances. If he wants to know, he can ask. If I don't tell him then I don't care if he doesn't call and doesn't show because I was expecting nothing. Much easier to handle. I am trying to ward off disappointment and not create stupid reasons to dump him. It is up to me to keep myself in positive head space and not over-react to trivial stuff. I am eyeing long term potential, without which I would have dumped him last fall. He is perfect for me in so many ways but will he choose to solve the issues to be with me? Does he want personal growth?
I am still trying to figure out if he is insensitive meathead, dumb, not ready for healthy adult relationships. or simply inarticulate. It has been baffling and I'm not in great mental health myself so it's difficult to sort out and be objective, but I absolutely want to be fair to him. It took some time to chip through a facade and find that he seems to still be horribly wounded by the wife he divorced over 10 years ago (she cheated on him). Could be that he is just not going to be emotionally available to me, that he is nailed shut. I thought the trip would answer some questions for me, and it did, and so I didn't end it. Some puzzle pieces clicked into place and all he had to do was use his words. Show some empathy, gain some perspective, and actually speak from his heart. It seems that he can do this so I am hopeful.
There were productive discussions, but it is too soon to know if there are changes coming. Right now, he's not good for me, I am better off without him and content to be 2 hours away and hear from him every so often. He managed to man up enough to gain this last shot so I will give him time. If everything continues to be all about him, if all I get are stories of childhood pranks or college party stories, it's a very simple decision, since I want a fully formed adult man (with boyish side onboard, just not dominant feature). He is maybe coming down this weekend. Hard to say, it was a very short Easter call as his ROTC son called and he definitely needs to take son calls. What did exist of the call was a listing of his accomplishments since I saw him last Wednesday. He said something about hopefully you got your stuff done, and since it wasn't a question, I didn't say anything, and then his son beeped in and that was that, with "depending on what I get done, I will maybe come down this weekend, talk to you later". I did little to no talking, gave him the atta boy he seemed to be seeking for getting his chores done. He was on his way to his parents' house so it was not going to be a long call, and truncated even sooner. I try not to be irritated that I only get 5-15 minutes when he is stuck waiting for something else. Feels really "last resort" to me; insulting. Gee, nothing better to do right now, I'll call her to blow these few minutes.... How much do you really want to talk to me if as soon as the pizza is done or you are next in cashier line or you reach your destination the call is over? Kinda seeing where I am in the priority list, right? He is going through the motions.
Further, don't call me if all you want to do is list the chores you completed this week. It is to me just strange banter with no substance. I have no interest in reliving my chores. Newsflash, I get to repeatedly relive my chores because they are, ahem, repetitive chores. I guess he thinks this superficial stuff meets the communication quota but is to me just insanely boring and pointless and seriously frustrating. Get a journal if you need to keep score on doing dishes and vacuuming. I don't talk to any friends about such trivial business-of-living stuff so I am flat out puzzled. I don't think I'm wanting too much in seeking actual Relating, maybe discuss something happening in the world vs your kitchen? Maybe switch things up and talk about the weather? Did you watch the news at all this week or read any articles?
I want this to work, but only if the relationship includes both of us and my feelings matter. I could buy a mannequin if all I needed was a presence. This is not the first time that I have been very clear about there being problems. This time it seems that I broke through. But I am honestly half gone already, I have some shutdown valves flipping, he has to win me back. I will have given it all I can with the ball sitting on his side of the court, wrapped in some past unresolved issues he won't work through, and I'm not waiting forever for him to grow the hell up. How many decades does he need to confront these things that wounded him and heal himself? Does he want to haul this hurtful crap around the rest of his life? Why give her the power still? He's a great guy in many ways but that's not enough for me. I want someone that will be open and honest and sensitive to me. I'm not sure he can break past his old hangups and quit treating me like I'm Her. At least I figured out that I am being punished for her misdeeds, he straight up admitted it. But will he fix it?? Will he stop deciding that when I do nice things for him that I am setting traps? blew my mind, that one. terribly offensive to think that of me. I am generous to a fault and it wounds me to be accused of being manipulative when all I am being is nice.
Yeah, a nice guy in so many ways, we could have an awesome future together. But to me this is sinking into a casual relationship with an expiration date looming. I hope he steps up to the plate but it is not within my control. I would rather be solo than with the wrong guy, but it will suck royally if he could be the right guy but unwilling to fix his very old wounds. People make choices, he has to want to get closer to me, to want to know me better. I am prepared for this to reach its end. I have my issues, too, and I am working on them because I want to get better. If he doesn't want to get better, there is nothing I can do about that and I will at least be older and wiser when I meet the next guy that is maybe the one for me.
yikes, guess I needed to vent a bit. thanks/sorry!
4. Those who don't like physical activity on vacation - usually snorkeling or hiking. We went to a convention type activity in Hawaii with my boss and his wife. When we were planning activities, I asked him what she would like to do. He said "she will do anything as long as it's not in the water, or out in the sun". I laughed thinking that he was kidding, but nope she didn't want to do sun or water. She sat in her room while the three of us snorkeled. Come to think of it she did do a sunset cruise, but otherwise she watched a lot of netflix. It was kind of uncomfortable to keep leaving her by herself.
