How do I handle this

[bogey21]

If you don’t want to go for three days, don’t. Easy for me to say but if it’s that painful, I would not do it.

I'd try to make it for half of Day 1; spend the night; and leave about Noon on Day 2 pleading "Other Commitments"...

George

 

[klpca]

Thanks for the update. It may be this is also an attempt by your Mom to connect with people she cares about, and she doesn’t really know how. One of the life lessons I learned from growing up in a house with an alcoholic father and stepmother, is they don’t know how to have a normal relationship with anybody. Your Mom may be reaching out, and I’ll wager would be grateful for some help. Get your sister involved, and make it a positive thing. It might even be fun.

Dave

Interesting - I didn't know about the alcoholic thing. Obviously it has affected and all of her relationships. So sad!

I agree that she is reaching out and am starting to realize that I can choose to see it as it has always been - fraught with issues - or try to start fresh.

 

[DaveNV]

Interesting - I didn't know about the alcoholic thing. Obviously it has affected and all of her relationships. So sad!

I agree that she is reaching out and am starting to realize that I can choose to see it as it has always been - fraught with issues - or try to start fresh.

I don’t know if you and your sister are close, but it might be worthwhile getting together and deciding how you’ll approach the weekend. It’s easy to get dismissive, and in this case, your Mom may have a greater agenda. If she refers to herself as a little old lady, and you say she isn’t, that may also be her reaching out for help. She may feel a bit alone, unsure of what is/was the reality of her connection to the family, and such. You may benefit by dropping in to an AA meeting sometime, and listening to recovering alcoholics express the issues they face. Or maybe talk to an AA counselor, to try and gain a greater perspective on things. (I have a friend who is heading into dementia, and she has similar challenges she faces.) It can be easy to dismiss those whose life path is different than our own, when sometimes the best connections are to turn toward them and extend a hand. Wishing you well with things.

Dave

 

[b2bailey]

About half way through this I began to think -- there are two different tracks here -- one is about the emotional angst, the other is about the actual planning of event. I was happy to get (with you) to the place where you have decided to be the 'best you' and be able to extend loving compassion to your mom.

 

[rhonda]

Well, I like dogs, Disneyland and Photography. How about I go in your place?

 

[Patri]

Katherine, I was glad to read your update. As I moved along the thread, I was trying to view this from your mom's point of view. She must be turning 75, 80, etc. and could be reflecting on her life. Maybe she feared no one would make her day special otherwise. Maybe she is sensing the passage of time and has regrets. Maybe she wants to create a perfect family moment that has not existed before.
It is too bad she did not clear the date/event with everyone, but perhaps she thought her children would say no. It is handy everyone lives nearby so you can retreat if necessary.
Planning what to do when there should help tremendously. If everyone attends with the best possible attitude, it could turn out to be fun and meaningful. I wish you all well. Someday your mom won't be around. It will be significant what your memory of that weekend is.

 

[klpca]

Well, I like dogs, Disneyland and Photography. How about I go in your place?

lolz. They will never notice!

I definitely needed an adjustment day. It was just such a shock to get the email! Initially I thought that planning to ensure no dead air time was the answer. Then I realized that there was more going on here and that I needed an attitude adjustment. I'm getting there. Years ago my father in law (love him!) said to always accept a gift in the spirit in which it has been given. I intend to apply that advice to this situation. She is trying to give us a gift. It is up to me to accept it.

I spoke with her again today and she is already having second thoughts about the place that she rented so we are taking a field trip to look at another place.

 

[Passepartout]

I spoke with her again today and she is already having second thoughts about the place that she rented so we are taking a field trip to look at another place.

And maybe adjust the time frame?!?

 

[klpca]

And maybe adjust the time frame?!?

Oh hon, you don't know how she works. She woke up this morning and decided to look for a less expensive place and add a day so that we didn't have to leave so early on Sunday morning. She told me that she was up all night thinking about this.

That said, timeshares aren't the only places with a 10:00am check out! Not only that but there is a $350 cleaning fee and some other airbnb fees. Yowza. It sure adds up in a hurry.

 

[Panina]

I truly appreciate all of the replies to this post. I hesitated sharing because it is so darned disappointing that this is our family dynamic. But last night I had a nice "what is going on here?" chat with myself and decided, as Presley mentioned, that I was going to have to change *my* thinking. My response is ultimately on me. I know that my mom is coming from a place of fear - she is alone and has been alone for most of her adult life. She has a lot of casual friends who come and go, but no long term friends. Her familial relationships aren't good either. She's worried about her relationships with her children even though we see her weekly, and by the way that she expresses herself, I think that she's worried about dying as she's taken to referring to herself has a little old lady - which she is not. This is not the ideal way to get people to spend time with you, but here we are.

I asked her what she envisioned for the weekend so that I could plan things that she likes. That was like pulling teeth. She simply couldn't/wouldn't articulate it, but with quite a bit of pressing it came out and was what I expected. She wants to go for walks on the beach (lol - we'll be the group of 16 walking on the beach together) but mostly wants to spend time all together at the house. I told her that that sounded great but I was worried that there would be time spent talking about other people in the family (those she is estranged from) and politics and that I wanted to avoid that. (Gossiping is one of her favorite pastimes). So at least I could clear the air about that. She also mentioned that we could play games so I will work on that. Hilariously, she also mentioned beach volleyball - not one of us plays - but it's on her to do list. She said it would be fun for her to watch us play. What? I doubt that will happen. But if we do, it will be highly entertaining!

I am going to go, and my husband will stay home (except for the party) and I'm not going to mention it until the weekend. I will come with a box of games, a list of movies/times, and a coat since it will be in the dead of winter and we'll be on the beach. I am also going to pack is my big girl pants and a couple of bottles of wine because I am going to need those. Thanks for all of your input. You offered great suggestions and it allowed me to push the reset button in my brain about my approach to the weekend. If there are any good stories that come out of it, I will be sure to share the fun with all of you.

I am glad you are finding a way to change your thinking to endure this event. Your family dynamics is more common then you think. I have it similar with my mom.

What I have learned is mom will never change, she is who she is. The only person that can change is me, my thinking makes so much more tolerable. I unconditionally love her, meet her needs and not her wants, and realize whatever I do it never will be good enough. I am not alone that is how mom views the world.

I go to occasions because that is in my view a need and when the complaining starts, mostly tune it out, smile, change the conversation and give her a hug. I try to be as kind as I can even though at times it is difficult.

As far as your husband, I agree wait until the weekend, say he has to sleep in his bed this week, doctors orders, he is disappointed he can’t stay.

 

[rhonda]

She is trying to give us a gift.

Yes! Good perspective. I hope the best for your scouting mission (re: different place).

 

[bbodb1]

If you don’t want to go for three days, don’t. Easy for me to say but if it’s that painful, I would not do it.

OTOH, how about a John Belusi movie marathon?

Cheers

Toga party?