How to Deal with a son & DIL that will not spend any holiday with you?

[Sugarcubesea]

My oldest son, my daughter-in-law (DIL), and my grandson have never spent one holiday with me and his siblings.

My DIL has stated that she really only wants to spend every holiday with her family and that if we want them over for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day that we can connect up before or after the holiday but those days are reserved always for her family.

This is causing a huge conflict in my family. Both Grandmas have decided that since their grandson treats them With no respect they are only giving him a small money gift.

My DIL supplied me via text an Amazon gift list that contained over 3K of gifts for the 3 of them (son, grandson and her). I asked her if we bought something off the list would everyone know that she sent this list to and her response was this list is only for you and your side of the family.

I’m kinda done with this nonsense, we can never spend time with them but we are the first to receive the call for money for rent, food, diapers, college loans etc.

They have offered to come over on December 23 and she said it would be just like Christmas Eve. I have not responded but my other son and daughter are telling me to tell them no, it’s unfair to me to have to cook 3 big holiday meals in a row.

What would you guys do?

 

[Luanne]

Well first of all, I really feel for you. We have not been put into this position because my daughter and sil (who live in another state) decided early on they would split the holidays. They either spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with us, and the other holiday is spent with his family. They don't have children, so that doesn't play into the mix. Also, the other relatives are spread out.

Now, from what I've read on "Dear Annie" this situation comes up a lot. I recently read a letter from a women who had a similar situation. What she decided to do instead of letting it tear her up, was to plan a family get together somewhere between Thanksgiving and Christmas, where the family could celebrate the holidays. It seemed to be working for them. It might not work for everyone.

What my family did growing up was to have three Christmas celebrations, and they were all with my mother's family as my dad's family lived in Indiana. We would have one get-together sometime in December with all of the aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. Then on Christmas Eve we'd go to my grandparents, and in later years they'd come to our house. My mom's aunt and uncle would come also. We were the only one of the aunts, uncles and cousins who lived close enough to my grandparents. We'd open gifts from them on that night. Christmas Day was just our family. We kept that up after I married and had my own family. We're not close enough to do the Christmas Eve thing with my parents, although for quite a few years my parents would come up and spend Christmas with us. But Christmas Day is definitely for the family. We don't travel anywhere.

 

[folashade]

I feel for you. It's up to your son to have nipped this in the bud and it seems like he hasn't. If you want to see them on the 23rd I would not go out of my way to cook or do anything special and would order takeout explaining its too much of a hassle to cook a large meal outside of the established date.

As for the 3K in gifts. Again I would send what I was comfortable sending. Expecting one side to supply 3K worth of gifts and you get no holidays at all is absurd.

One thing we do is on some years my SIL's parents and sister join us for our holiday celebrations either xmas or thanksgiving since her parents live in TN. I would not personally do a comprise holiday given the complete inflexibility of the DIL. It's rude and selfish

 

[klpca]

I feel for you too. But in way of a suggestion, we have done Thanksgiving over the weekend previous to the Thursday and it was just fine. So maybe carve out a different day. That's not how it *should* be but your DIL sounds like she's not going to be reasonable. Don't even get me started on the extravagant shopping lists.

 

[Iggyearl]

I don't mean to be harsh - but where the heck is your son in this discussion? It sounds like the DIL wears the pants in the house. Our daughter asks us to rotate Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with our SIL's parents. Works fine. You are getting the short end of the stick, and you have a right to complain. Fair is fair. And a gift "wish list" should be just that. Pick some items for each relative, and spend what you feel comfortable with.

You sound like a responsible and kind-hearted soul. That may not get you the best results in this situation. Make yourself and your feelings heard, and you may get a compromise to your DIL's selfishness.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

We tried doing a different day last year, we picked December 10 in 2016 to celebrate with our family. We selected this date in August of 2016 and they both told me that this day would work for them. I asked my son if there was a special activity that they wanted to do and he stated that my grandson wanted to go to Holiday Nights. It's a wonderful event that allows you to stroll over 4 miles of a Christmas Experience. It's a wonderful event that allows you to strap on a pair of ice skates, send a shout-out to Santa and his reindeer, and nestle into a horse-drawn wagon for a sing-along through Greenfield Village.

I spent the money to buy tickets for everyone and on December 9th they called to say they could not make it and we could reschedule to January...

I like the idea of doing take-out and just keeping it simple, I spend $100 per kid and that is what I will purchase off their amazon wish list and be done with it...I'm very angry at my son because as my other son states to me on a regular basis mom, that boy has to grow some balls and tell is wife that he has a family and he would like to spend one holiday with them.

 

[Luanne]

When I read the part about the gift list maybe I didn't understand. We always ask our daughters for a list. But we don't expect to get them everything on it, it's just ideas of things they would like.

 

[vacationhopeful]

I think you should be happy you raised 2 great kids out of the 3 you carried to term.

Have your holiday without sending gifts or gift cards to them. Give to the kids if you see them on their birthday, a package in Birthday paper. Post Facebook pictures of your other 2 kids & families sharing your Christmas holidays with you. Let their siblings GUILT the crap out of them. Peer pressure is VERY EFFECTIVE.

As for Facebook .. it can be used as a double edge sword. You CAN POST pictures of your Christmas day with your attending family members ... no negative comments. If someone asks, just say, "It was in the in-law's Christmas year".

If your son tolerates this behavior, just ignore it. Invite them and if they CHOOSE/MAKE other plans, so be it. I would NOT do 2 Christmas celebrations nor give expensive presents to kids who KNOW NOT this set of grandparents (you guys). This spouse is self-centered and immature; it is all about her.

Meanwhile, pick out a holiday your son and family WILL ATTEND ... like July 4th. Have a cookout and go to a fireworks show. Or plan timeshare trip within driving distance for a long weekend. ... if they cancel after accepting, they would be OFF my list to plan & expend money, time and energy on for SPECIAL ACTIVITES. If they ask about any trip you are planning with other family members, just outline the expenses and ASK FOR PAYMENT in advance before reserving anything. If they actually pay and attend, give them a VISA gift card at the start of the trip.

Once burned, shame on them. Twice burned, SHAME ON YOU.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

I don't mean to be harsh - but where the heck is your son in this discussion? It sounds like the DIL wears the pants in the house. Our daughter asks us to rotate Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with our SIL's parents. Works fine. You are getting the short end of the stick, and you have a right to complain. Fair is fair. And a gift "wish list" should be just that. Pick some items for each relative, and spend what you feel comfortable with.

You sound like a responsible and kind-hearted soul. That may not get you the best results in this situation. Make yourself and your feelings heard, and you may get a compromise to your DIL's selfishness.

My son has become a shell of the person he used to be since he married my DIL. She wears the pants in the family, no doubt about that and she belittles him in front of us, telling him what he did not do or what he should so, it's so sad...I blame my son for not standing up for himself and his family. If he wants nothing to do with his family going forward then so be it, but don't come to me to be your bank.

I just found out moments ago that he told his brother (my middle son) that his wife told him to quit his job and she just did they same thing and they are moving in with her parents to save money for a house. I guess they have to be out of their apartment by December 23rd. So I'm feeling that it's very likely they will cancel again this year...

My other children are not going to re-arrange their schedule to come over the 23, as they have already committed to coming over on the 24th and I don't blame them.

 

[Luanne]

I just found out moments ago that he told his brother (my middle son) that his wife told him to quit his job and she just did they same thing and they are moving in with her parents to save money for a house. I guess they have to be out of their apartment by December 23rd. So I'm feeling that it's very likely they will cancel again this year...

I don't mean to take us in a whole other direction, but what the heck? They are quitting their jobs and expect to save money?

 

[Talent312]

DW says that you should set a date + time for a family gathering and tell them:
They must be present to receive a git. No show = no gift. Its their choice.

I say: Get your son a tool belt from Home Depot and your DIL some bath soap.
For the grandkid: Start a college fund (a mutual fund under the Gift to Minors Act).
Then book a Caribbean cruise for the holidays. Tell the kids that they're on their own.

 

[vacationhopeful]

Unemployment. ACA medical insurance. Food stamps. Heating assistance. HUD apartment. Free cell phones (another welfare benefit).

Cut them loose.

 

[Tia]

Difficult all around. The DIL sounds emotionally abusive.

My son has become a shell of the person he used to be since he married my DIL. She wears the pants in the family, no doubt about that and she belittles him in front of us, telling him what he did not do or what he should so, it's so sad...I blame my son for not standing up for himself and his family. If he wants nothing to do with his family going forward then so be it, but don't come to me to be your bank.

I just found out moments ago that he told his brother (my middle son) that his wife told him to quit his job and she just did they same thing and they are moving in with her parents to save money for a house. ............

.

 

[WinniWoman]

I would get your son a tool belt from Home Depot and your DIL a lump of coal.
I'd also book a Caribbean cruise for the holidays and tell the kids that they're on their own.

I would go with this suggestion. I would schedule vacations at every XMAS and ignore them altogether. I feel for you, but you are not some doormat to be treated like-well, you know....

I would tell them in no uncertain terms that because they do not want to spend any holidays with you you will be away during the holidays from now on. Even if you do not go away, tell them you are. Do not send any gifts, either. Ignore her stupid lists.

Or, just invite your other kids and don't invite them any longer. If the other kids cannot attend sometimes or invite YOU to their place, that's your cue for a vacation.

I find it just appalling that they have no respect for you.You are not just a parent, you are a human being.

I have relatives with a single son who is like this. He is visibly absent from every family gathering. No one talks about him anymore- it is like he doesn't exist. A sad reality.

 

[RonB]

Set your dates, invite them, and if they don't come it's their problem. I know this will be hard on you, but you have to live your own life. You can't "rescue" your son - he has reclaim his gonads from his wife's pocketbook on his own. I would send a modest gift to your grandson because he has no say in any of this.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

When I read the part about the gift list maybe I didn't understand. We always ask our daughters for a list. But we don't expect to get them everything on it, it's just ideas of things they would like.

I have no issue's with lists, but prior to my DIL marrying my son she sent me an email that said it was her dream to get married at Disney World and would we contribute 35K, so she could get married there. I told her our budget was to give each child $10K for their weddings and we would also host and pay for the rehearsal dinner. She told me that since I could only contribute such a small amount we could only invite 20 people.

This gal is all about the money. When my grandmother died and I inherited the house, she stated to me that she would like to live there and she would pay us $100 a month rent. I explained that I had to sell the house and use it to pay off my grandmother's final bills.

She had a wedding with 320 individuals in attendance at a total cost of $35K and 4 days before the wedding the reception venue called me, (I had made my contribution directly to the hall/venue, so they had my contact info) to state that the bride's family did NOT make their last payment of 10K and would I come in and make the payment as they had already told the brides side of the family and they stated they did not have the funds but would pay her after the wedding with the money gifts they would be receiving.

The reception venue told the bride and her family that if the monies were not paid the reception could not take place. The reception venue told me that she told the bride to reduce some of her expensive trappings, like, Bridal Room, champagne toast for all guests, ice sculptures, LED up-lighting, monogram lighting, and signature cocktail. She told me if the bride agreed to not have all of these extras, she could bring the final amount down to $2K and the bride told her to just call me and I would pay the amount... I told the reception venue that I had paid all I was going to pay if the reception could not take place so be it... I called my son and told him the reception venue called me and that I was not paying any additional monies and that they suggested that his bride reduce some of her extra trappings that were very expensive. He said she did not want to do that, so I suggested that he announce after the wedding ceremony at church that the reception has been cancelled so people do not drive all the way out there for nothing. He said don't worry we will figure it out... I guess she ended up borrowing money from her grandparents and she ended up not having all of those extras as the grandmother told me she only gave her $2K.


This has been this gal's way of doing things since the beginning...

 

[Sugarcubesea]

I think you should be happy you raised 2 great kids out of the 3 you carried to term.

Have your holiday without sending gifts or gift cards to them. Give to the kids if you see them on their birthday, a package in Birthday paper. Post Facebook pictures of your other 2 kids & families sharing your Christmas holidays with you. Let their siblings GUILT the crap out of them. Peer pressure is VERY EFFECTIVE.

As for Facebook .. it can be used as a double edge sword. You CAN POST pictures of your Christmas day with your attending family members ... no negative comments. If someone asks, just say, "It was in the in-law's Christmas year".

If your son tolerates this behavior, just ignore it. Invite them and if they CHOOSE/MAKE other plans, so be it. I would NOT do 2 Christmas celebrations nor give expensive presents to kids who KNOW NOT this set of grandparents (you guys). This spouse is self-centered and immature; it is all about her.

Meanwhile, pick out a holiday your son and family WILL ATTEND ... like July 4th. Have a cookout and go to a fireworks show. Or plan timeshare trip within driving distance for a long weekend. ... if they cancel after accepting, they would be OFF my list to plan & expend money, time and energy on for SPECIAL ACTIVITES. If they ask about any trip you are planning with other family members, just outline the expenses and ASK FOR PAYMENT in advance before reserving anything. If they actually pay and attend, give them a VISA gift card at the start of the trip.

Once burned, shame on them. Twice burned, SHAME ON YOU.

This is brilliant and you're right, I'm blessed I have 2 great kids out of the 3.

 

[VacationForever]

Cut them lose. In life you have the good and the bad. I would just send them an invitation each year in mail for holiday gatterings, with RSVP. Keep it formal so that you don't get heartache after heartache in trying to negotiate and you still come out losing.

 

[Tia]

Extremely manipulative person this DIL. Try to maintain contact with your son as best you can as he needs your support, sorry.

I have no issue's with lists, but prior to my DIL marrying my son she sent me an email that said it was her dream to get married at Disney World and would we contribute 35K, so she could get married there. I told her our budget was to give each child $10K for their weddings and we would also host and pay for the rehearsal dinner. She told me that since I could only contribute such a small amount we could only invite 20 people.

This gal is all about the money. When my grandmother died and I inherited the house, she stated to me that she would like to live there and she would pay us $100 a month rent. I explained that I had to sell the house and use it to pay off my grandmother's final bills.

She had a wedding with 320 individuals in attendance at a total cost of $35K and 4 days before the wedding the reception venue called me, (I had made my contribution directly to the hall/venue, so they had my contact info) to state that the bride's family did NOT make their last payment of 10K and would I come in and make the payment as they had already told the brides side of the family and they stated they did not have the funds but would pay her after the wedding with the money gifts they would be receiving.

The reception venue told the bride and her family that if the monies were not paid the reception could not take place. The reception venue told me that she told the bride to reduce some of her expensive trappings, like, Bridal Room, champagne toast for all guests, ice sculptures, LED up-lighting, monogram lighting, and signature cocktail. She told me if the bride agreed to not have all of these extras, she could bring the final amount down to $2K and the bride told her to just call me and I would pay the amount... I told the reception venue that I had paid all I was going to pay if the reception could not take place so be it... I called my son and told him the reception venue called me and that I was not paying any additional monies and that they suggested that his bride reduce some of her extra trappings that were very expensive. He said she did not want to do that, so I suggested that he announce after the wedding ceremony at church that the reception has been cancelled so people do not drive all the way out there for nothing. He said don't worry we will figure it out... I guess she ended up borrowing money from her grandparents and she ended up not having all of those extras as the grandmother told me she only gave her $2K.


This has been this gal's way of doing things since the beginning...

 

[klpca]

Your DIL is a trainwreck. I feel sorry for you. I agree with the poster above who said she is emotionally abusive. Such a shame.

But nothing is going to change. Like others have said, time to cut him loose. Let him know that he is always welcome, but set your boundaries and stick with them.

 

[vacationhopeful]

The only control you have in this, is what you WANT do or give to them. Read up on co-dependence personalities (that might be YOU).

I learned the most important thing is for YOU to decide WHAT YOU want to do. If asked for something, take at least 48 hours to think ...
1) Do you REALLY want to do this?
2) Can I REALLY afford to do this?
3) Do I really have the TIME to do this?
4) Am I fair to my other adult kids and those grandchildren?
5) What does my spouse think?
TAKE TIME (48 hours or more) TO ANSWER ALL REQUESTS or DEMANDS .. even the SIMPLE ONES. Train them to you saying "YES or NO" only. If they can't present a request clear and simple, THEY need to rethink their request to YOU. Life is too short for us OLD PEOPLE to listen to them whine and doing a "spin cycle" on WHY you should be giving them something (like your money).

I learned YEARS ago ... to have a single phrase to cut demanding & controlling jerks off at the knees. Pick a phrase to REPEAT OVER and OVER AGAIN. One unchanging answer/phrase til THEY HANG UP ON YOU. As they hang up on you .. they are pissed off at you ... like little kids, they will pout about NOT getting their way. You just took back control, IMHO.

My phrase is:
"No, I am not going to do that."

Usually, it takes 10 or 20 times repeating this ONE PHRASE over and over again before they hang up. After they learned you are NOT GOING TO CHANGE your answer, they will hang up after you saying your pet phrase ONCE or TWICE.

And don't offer any middle ground ... they are the ISSUE. It is your money and time. They are ADULTs. You are the elder ... do not give in. If they really are all grown up ... they will accept your answer. And learn to ask for reasonable things and not totally outlandish demands.

I did something similar to a 4yo nephew ... "NO" was the ONLY answer. Sometimes , it was "Noooooooo!" along with me shaking my head and my eyebrows raised (that sort of scared him into thinking I was really pissed --- he stopped asking). I think that is WHY that child listens to what I say, is happy being around me and secure with me.,,even as a 17yo high school senior. And he expects nothing from me ... no trips, no money, no favors. But he always sit next to me at meal time.

 

[Passepartout]

WOW! Just Wow! Be thankful you have 2 great kids. Send gifts to all YOUR children and of course the son of the dysfunctional family. The situation it not his fault. Pull your son away privately, and tell him that functional families alternate holidays, and share. When/if he grows a set it will be an improvement. Until then get solace in knowing that he is the one that made the choice. Make sure he knows you love him, but will not be his bank. You cannot support his immature actions.

You don't deserve to be treated this way.

We see signs of spousal abuse going on and both these young people need counseling. There is a likelihood that the abuse will become physical. Watch for signs.

Best wishes!

Jim

 

[Sugarcubesea]

I don't mean to take us in a whole other direction, but what the heck? They are quitting their jobs and expect to save money?

I’m just shocked. I guess they are going to look for jobs after the holidays and just have her parents pay for their living expenses.

It’s so sad and I wish I knew a way to not blow up and just tell them how much their behavior has hurt me the past 7 years.

 

[bizaro86]

I don't have any advice, and just want to say I'm sorry for your loss. My children are younger, but I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose one of them in this way. I hope you can find a solution that works for your family.

 

[VacationForever]

I’m just shocked. I guess they are going to look for jobs after the holidays and just have her parents pay for their living expenses.

It’s so sad and I wish I knew a way to not blow up and just tell them how much their behavior has hurt me the past 7 years.

You have to stop the hurt and the only way to do so is to protect yourself now. Your son is not stupid but he has to grow up and fend for himself in an abusive relationship. Your grandson has bad role models and he is also growing up to be dysfunctional, and if I understand correctly, he is disrespectful of his grandparents. If you can sum up your feelings well, you may want to make one final attempt to speak with him directly (on the phone?) about how you feel, and certainly without her presence. Enough is enough.

A dear close friend of ours, who past away this March, had 2 sons who refused to be in the same room with one another. I know the full story but so as not to get into the details... She was driving 2.5 hrs every Christmas Day to see her older son, until one year she decided to stop doing so. All her voicemails and snail mails to him were one-way communications. She was distraught that her eldest son chose to cut out of any relationship with his brother and also blamed his mother for what had conspired between the siblings. She really wanted her 2 sons to get along. We repeatedly told her to let their relationships be and not let herself be vulnerable to more hurt. Well, a year ago, her elder son said he found god, and came back into their lives. No one really knows what happened and why. When she was dying, she was at peace as her wish had been for the brothers to get along and be on speaking terms.

So one never really knows if and when someone will change and be a better person.