How to Deal with a son & DIL that will not spend any holiday with you?

[Talent312]

When my DW complains about someone who's mistreated her, I tell her:
"You cannot make someone be a better person, or even the person they should be.
They are not going to turn a new leaf. All you can do is deal with them as they are.
... But that doesn't mean allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat, either."

 

[PrairieGirl]

If he wants nothing to do with his family going forward then so be it, but don't come to me to be your bank

First of all, I also feel for you. But regarding the above, YOU are totally in control of whether you are his bank or not.

 

[PrairieGirl]

[QUOTE="Sugarcubesea, post: 2079569, member: I guess she ended up borrowing money from her grandparents and she ended up not having all of those extras as the grandmother told me she only gave her $2K. This has been this gal's way of doing things since the beginning...[/QUOTE]

Am I reading between the lines that you did not attend the wedding? Otherwise you would KNOW if she had all those extras or not!

It sounds like a very difficult situation and I wish you strength in dealing with it.

 

[uop1497]

I have not been in your position yet , but very close to it . I understand your feeling because I am loosing a son now . He just engage to his girl friend a few months ago. My son is changing and his acting is like a stranger to us and I feel that his girl friend is in control totally .

I am very sad at the moment because he told my husband that he will spend the Xmas and new year with his fiancee's family. As soon as I heard it from my husband, I know that thing will get worse after they are married.

Reading your post make me realize I am not alone. The son I used to know is gone forever . I feel that I should accept my fate and move on, but it is really hard to overcome the feeling of abandon by my son.

Fortunately, I still have my DH by my side who gives me his fully support to overcome difficult time during the holiday

 

[Jan M.]

First of all, I also feel for you. But regarding the above, YOU are totally in control of whether you are his bank or not.

They may actually be doing their son a favor by closing the bank. When the DIL finds out that no matter how hard she pushes/punishes their son to go to his parents for financial help that the bank is staying closed, his usefulness to her may come to a screeching halt. Keeping in mind that since she is clearly bold and ill mannered enough to come directly to our TUG friend with her demands and lists I would expect her to disrupt the family holiday with a confrontation or snit when she isn't getting her way. So for everyone else's sake I would avoid that unpleasantness and not pressure him into attending family events for the time being. It would be better to just say we would love it if you and ...(the grandson) could come over sometime during the holidays.

BTW the very first year we were married we invited my husband's whole family to our apartment for an evening before Christmas even though we were invited to his Mother's for Christmas dinner. My husband is one of 5 kids and his two older brothers had 5 kids between them so there was no way that 14 people could sit down to eat a full meal at the kitchen table in our apartment. So the invitation was for after dinner and we served appetizers/snacks, Christmas cookies and beverages. We never showed up at a family gathering with my husband's family without bringing a dish or dessert I'd made, never just chips or pop/soda. Two years later we had a house and started taking turns hosting the various family holidays and events. I was no older than this DIL. My Mother died when I was 14 so I had no one to advise me how to go on, but it was important to me that my husband was proud of me and he truly appreciated my efforts. Yes I was nervous and God knows I was shy, but when you are old enough to be considered an adult you figure it out and fake it til you make it. LOL!

 

[Jan M.]

I have not been in your position yet , but very close to it . I understand your feeling because I am loosing a son now . He just engage to his girl friend a few months ago. My son is changing and his acting is like a stranger to us and I feel that his girl friend is in control totally .

I am very sad at the moment because he told my husband that he will spend the Xmas and new year with his fiancee's family. As soon as I heard it from my husband, I know that thing will get worse after they are married.

Reading your post make me realize I am not alone. The son I used to know is gone forever . I feel that I should accept my fate and move on, but it is really hard to overcome the feeling of abandon by my son.

Fortunately, I still have my DH by my side who gives me his fully support to overcome difficult time during the holiday

Our son is an only child and I've been where you are with the girl our son might have married. My advise to you is no matter what it takes or how much you are hurt don't complain to your son or make demands. Be warm and welcoming to her whenever you are together. Never make it feel like a competition for him, to yourself or her. Invite her parents to come also when you invite your son and her. Sometimes the boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse has difficulty expanding their comfort zone to include new people or what is unfamiliar to them. This is especially the case at holidays. Force yourself to be flexible and ask them when they can come to see you for the holidays. Get her number from your son and call or text her to say how happy you will be to see them both and ask if there are any foods she is allergic too or really dislikes. Say you are thinking of making something other than the traditional holiday meal as everyone will have either already had enough of it or will be having it. Ask her for some ideas. Who knows you may even start a new tradition. Keep the calls short but find other little things to call or text her about from time to time. When you talk to your son ask about her job, school, activities, interests. If she has something good happen at work for instance that may not be that big a deal but is important to her, send her a text congratulating or complimenting her. Make connections. The more she communicates with you the more comfortable she will become.

We could have been in a similar situation with the person our son did marry but I was determined that wouldn't happen. Our DIL is a very independent middle child and was truly at a loss to understand our son's closeness with us. We made it clear that her loving our son gained her a place in our affections. They have been together for 11 years, married 7 and we have a far closer relationship with our DIL than I ever imagined. Our son calls one of us most days, usually while he is in the car but sometimes when he is at home and one of his daughters does or says something cute, funny or even sometimes naughty. He will be on speaker phone and our DIL always joins in the conversation. We both get texts and pictures from her to keep us from going into granddaughter withdrawal as I put it. Recently our older granddaughter did something when they were at a restaurant eating that our DIL told our son that he had to call us right then to tell us about it.

If you are nothing but warm and welcoming, show interest in her as a person, and never make her feel criticized then her failing to respond in kind shows a lack of generosity of spirit. Typically people who lack generosity of spirit show it in other ways and the marriages often fail in time.

 

[WinniWoman]

My parents were old world italians and in our culture when you marry someone you marry the family. When my brother married, his wife, who is from a very large family, did not embrace this to say the least.

She never addressed my parents by either their names, not by calling them mom or dad, not by calling them Mr. or Mrs.- nothing. This hurt my parents tremendously. They also kept their distance as much as possible. They did take turns on holiday visiting between her family and ours, but they would arrive late and leave early. In fact, they would call to see when my own family would be there so they would make sure they didn't arrive before us as to not have to be alone with my parents. It was all way too obvious.

In addition, once they had a child, they kept her at distance from them as much as possible, as compared with our son who spent a lot of time with them. They even did not tell them or even me or my aunts when their child received her Confirmation- a big event with Catholic Italians. And I was her Godmother! My mom, hurt and baffled as she was, promptly sent a check when she found out, but I didn't. I felt if it was not important enough to tell me about it, never mind invite me to it, then it didn't warrant a check.

All this hurt my parents badly to the point that they began to get very angry, but they never showed or expressed this to my brother so as to not ruin their relationship with him or his relationship with her.

Our son is still single and sometimes I think maybe we are kind of lucky since it seems this is how women are these days, but then I know it would be nice for him to have a companion and hope she would be warm and embrace family.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

Okay, this story explains it all. You'll never be able to change this this person or this situation. You and your other 2 kids can get together every year as planned. Once you finalize the date invite the other son and his family. Will they ever come? No. But chances are he'll eventually divorce this woman and realize that his family was always there for him.

My brother was married to an evil woman for 10 years. We didn't get to see much of him during that time. He came to my wedding but she wouldn't (thank goodness). Eventually they divorced. And ever since then he's has never missed a major family function, and he lives out of state.

I don't think I want to cut my son off but I no longer want to be a doormat. We will plan our festivities for Christmas Eve next year, and invite them and if they can not, I'm not going to try and squeeze another event into December, I will just move it into January. You're right she is never going to change and I want my son to know I'm there for him but will no longer be treated as a doormat and a bank.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

This is well known, even in Asian culture.

I would just cut them out. I have no time for stupidity. I’m not saying this from the outside, i have cut off my mom for her own stupidly while still communicating with my dad. I dont go out of my way to see my mom, if she wants to see me and her grandkids then she can arrange the time.

Gosh, I must be out of the loop as I've never head of it before, but it rings true....

 

[Sugarcubesea]

Oh Sugar, you and I could trade stories. How old are the two? It seems like it is always the female who causes these problems. My son, quite young, fell into a similar trap but adored his wife. For a few years we truly felt we lost him, but I insisted that the family keep the doors open. My other kids were so mad at him. Now the divorce is almost final, he is getting joint custody, and our son is BACK. We are all close again. Do not give up hope.

My son is 28 and she is 27

 

[tompalm]

Our son is an only child and we have not seen his wife since the wedding over two years ago. She only wants my son to spend time with her family and makes trouble when my son spends a few hours visiting us. But we still meet him for coffee or dinner about once a month when he is on his way home from work. The wife is always invited, but she never shows up. That is fine with us, we are done with her. Our only goal at this point is to maintain a loving relationship with our son. We told him he needs to leave her and move out of their house for a few weeks and let her see how it feels to be all alone and maybe she will change her ways. He will not do that, so at this point, we see him for a couple hours at a dinner around Christmas, or my birthday or wife’s birthday and occasionally at other times. We have accepted the situation and do not want to cause him any stress in his marriage. Unfortunately, we have friends in Memphis and Atlanta that have the same issue with their DIL and they are not able to see the grandkids. I am glad our son didn’t have children, it would make the situation more difficult.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

No jobs? Living with her parents? THEY are not saving money ... they are broke and not working.

This young couple has issues ... drugs, drinking, gambling, co-dependence, personality disorders, lazy ass disease, etc. Both lost their jobs around the same time? Did they get arrested? Change the locks on your house and get a monitor home security system. And create a secure, locked room at your home. My bet is DRUGS (heroin). Entertain them on neutral ground, like the Olive Garden where they can order drinks.

Change the locks on your house, get a monitor home security system and KEEP them OUT of your home ... before jewelry disappears, check books vanish and they learn the neighbor's schedules. They are broke.

PS. Most county court houses have records of evictions and foreclosures ... might go research those public records were they USED to live.

They are not on drugs, my son worked a job that was on the midnight shift from 10:00pm till 7:00am, so that they could avoid babysitting fees for their son. She worked a daytime job as an marketing manager. They do have lazy ass disease. Part of the problem is when they needed money and I said no they went back to school so that they could take out more student loans. They used student loans to buy her engagement ring. My son told me he has $85K in loans and she has $90K in loans. They live 2 hours away from us and I think because the place they lived was mostly a college town, they wanted to move to the area that they grew up in. However, they should have found jobs before both of them quitting their jobs and moving in with her parents...UGH

 

[Sugarcubesea]

You said this has been going on for 7 years so that tells me they are old enough to know that their behavior is unacceptable. Hopefully eventually your son will wake up and leave this spoiled selfish girl child. In the meantime make sure he knows that he and your grandchild are welcome in your home. I wouldn't specifically say that the DIL from hell isn't welcome, I would just not ever mention her in any invitations. My assessment of her is that there isn't much chance of her ever becoming a better person.

About them quitting their jobs around the holidays when they have a child and expecting everyone else to provide for them. This is so appalling that words fail me.

At some point during the holiday season can you arrange to have your grandson for a few hours so you could take him shopping to pick out what he would like for Christmas and afterwards maybe go to someplace he likes to eat? He would get to take the presents home with him. It would be a very unusual child that wouldn't love to do this with the grandparent(s). I wouldn't give your DIL a thing. I would tell your son that you have a gift for him at your house if he is able to find even a half an hour to come get it on one of the days the rest of the family will be there celebrating. If he can't manage that then I would tell him that you are sorry that he wasn't able to take advantage of the opportunity to receive the gift. I would keep the gift small, say no more than $25-$30, in a gift certificate or cash that you can use for yourselves if he doesn't show up.

I wouldn't place a further burden on your son by telling him how much all this has hurt you. He knows. I would be willing to bet your other two kids have let him know what they think of the situation.

I have a SIL who taught me the phrase that someone else posted. First time shame on you; second time, shame on me. Focus on going forward. Think about what all of us have said, decide on a course of action and stick to it. You can't change someone else, you can only change yourself and how you deal with them.

They started dating when my son was 18 and moved in together at age 20, thank you for the kind words, this has been tearing me up for the past month as this holiday season approaches..

 

[AnnaS]

Sorry this is happening to you. Your DIL is definitely a piece of cake. It will only get worse. Don't be their bank or give in to her demands. Do what you want, when you want but not to please her. Stay close to your son/grandson as much as you "can" and let him how you feel and your actions are because of her. Unfortunately many men cannot stand up to their wives or fight for their parents. I have witnessed this. I will say my mother-in-law recently died with a broken heart. She did not deserve it - no matter how much she tried to please two of the DILs, try to keep the peace between the sons and wives, try to buy them with $$ - nothing worked.

 

[rapmarks]

Since we moved to Florida, we spend most of the holidays alone. We do fine. The sad times were when we had to fly to my husband's mother every year when our children were in high school and college because she was alone and as teachers this was the only time we could go. It was so lonely there, thinking of our family back home.
If your son is happy, let it be. My daughter is a vegetarian and was engaged and living in South Dakota. His family would do nothing special for her for holidays so she prepared dishes. The mother wouldn't put them out she said there is enough, so my daughter would eat mashed potatoes for holiday dinner. She married someone else and that family was really weird and they never got around to eating til about midnight. She is almost divorced now, but that family really ganged up on her when he was drunken and abusive. So just hope your son is happy, and they both mature a bit.

 

[Jan M.]

They started dating when my son was 18 and moved in together at age 20, thank you for the kind words, this has been tearing me up for the past month as this holiday season approaches..

They have been together for 10 years since he was 18. She is all he knows and all too often men will stay in a far less than ideal relationship rather than be alone. When men are widowed they often remarry very quickly as they don't do well being alone.

I was just thinking that I would bet there are far more women who refuse to go or go grudgingly to their in-laws than there are men who refuse to go to her family. Men learn to suck it up and go along with what she wants. Happy wife, happy life. It becomes a habit/way of life even when that life isn't particularly happy.

I managed a movie theater for nine years until we moved to Florida in 2010. On Friday and Saturday nights, date nights, if we had a chick flick, a guy/action movie and a general appeal movie all playing, guess which movie most couples saw? Yup, the chick flick. Come on ladies, at least choose the general appeal movie. Ladies you have friends, sisters, female cousins, etc. that you can see the chick flicks with, why make the poor guy suffer? It was rare to see the women going to the guy/action movies. My husband used to say there is another reason I consider myself a very lucky man!

The girl our son dated in high school had him jumping if he even thought she might be going to say frog. He took it very hard when she broke up with him after he went away to college but we breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn't about to spend her senior year of high school without a boyfriend on hand to dance attendance on her. My husband and I didn't know each other as teenagers and I remember asking him if he would ever have put up with that from any girl. No way that day was never going to dawn. LOL! Seeing our son so dominated bothered him more than it did me and it bothered me a lot. On Mother's Day of his senior year I had given myself the day off and was really looking forward to doing something special. Our son went to Church that morning with her family and didn't come home until bedtime even though he knew I had the day off. Mid afternoon when he called to say wasn't coming home because she would get mad if he left, I went into the bedroom to cry so my husband wouldn't see. My husband is content for me to run things because he knows I take what he would like, his opinions and his feelings into consideration. He has very, very rarely ever laid down the law but when he does it's epic! If he had seen a single tear that would done it for him. I've always been glad our son learned his lesson even if it was the hard way. He and his wife have a good marriage. I've told told our son that is one more way he takes after me as he knows I was married for five years and divorced before I met his Father and have always said I needed one to learn on and one to keep.

 

[glenmore]

We are very fortunate to have a wonderful daughter-in-law

Our family celebration was always Christmas Eve-which worked out well for both our son and daughter as they could then spend Christmas Day with their families and in-laws

It was still hectic for them that way so last year I suggested we have our Christmas a week early. That gave them “family” time on their own as well as with in-laws

This year we aimed for December 9th but weather was bad so we went to our backup date of December 16th. We all had these dates on our calendar

I realize your DIL doesn’t add anything positive but if she is not a complete spoiler-you would have holiday time with your son and grandson on another date.

 

[elleny76]

IMO...

(1)Any day your family can visit you ..Its a Holiday! Get 2 dates on the calendar every year and invited everyone so this way "All" can be together.
(2) About the cooking for Dec 23rd."dont cook" go to a restaurant of your choice buy the plates done and then come home and put them in your own dishes_plates and put some seasoning _decoration of your taste. Get a nice cake and drinks and everyone else can bring a plate _something to share. Having fun with the family anytime is what is important.
(3) If you are rich then Its ok $3k list_ gifts since you can afford them and made them happy and to keep the peace between the family.... OR.... you gift each adult $100 inside a card and get whatever your grandson wants as a gift (He s the only one who should get a super cool gift)
(4) If you and the rest of the family dislike them because of all this "holidays with the other family" + All your DIL do and Don't ever want to see them again then ..Its easier Just tell them no one is available on the 12/23. End of the story. ( I don't know how really the story goes since I have no heard the other side of the story but its your choice)





Good luck

My oldest son, my daughter-in-law (DIL), and my grandson have never spent one holiday with me and his siblings.

My DIL has stated that she really only wants to spend every holiday with her family and that if we want them over for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day that we can connect up before or after the holiday but those days are reserved always for her family.

This is causing a huge conflict in my family. Both Grandmas have decided that since their grandson treats them With no respect they are only giving him a small money gift.

My DIL supplied me via text an Amazon gift list that contained over 3K of gifts for the 3 of them (son, grandson and her). I asked her if we bought something off the list would everyone know that she sent this list to and her response was this list is only for you and your side of the family.

I’m kinda done with this nonsense, we can never spend time with them but we are the first to receive the call for money for rent, food, diapers, college loans etc.

They have offered to come over on December 23 and she said it would be just like Christmas Eve. I have not responded but my other son and daughter are telling me to tell them no, it’s unfair to me to have to cook 3 big holiday meals in a row.

What would you guys do?

 

[lizap]

Unfortunately, I have seen this sort of thing more than I'd like. I agree with someone who said your son needs to grow a pair. It's hard to coordinate family time between both sides, but in a healthy relationship that's what needs to be done. We divided our holiday time almost equally between both sets of parents; of course, the fact that they both lived in the same town really helped. We have two nephews who almost never see their mom. I blame their wives, but really it's their fault for not pushing the point. Getting married does not mean that a man has to divorce his parents, and my guess is that if the wife insists on this, there will likely be marital problems at some point.

 

[jlp879]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Your DIL is an emotional abuser because her focus is on “I” and what can you do for me, always. Even though she is married to your son, they are not truly a couple because mutuality and equality are absent from the relationship.

I have a daughter who is a manipulator and user. I found Al Anon tremendously helpful in learning how to deal with her and to set boundaries in our relationship. Though my daughter isn’t an addict, the manipulation that is present with addicts is something I needed help with. As with any drug or alcohol abuse, treat the situation like she has a disease. There has to be some compassion present because she is a sick person.

Here is what I have learned from my two years in Al Anon:

Don’t hate the addict, hate the disease.

Don’t hate the person, hate the behaviour.

If it is hard to watch it, imagine how hard it is live it.


Learn and practice detachment, which is removing yourself from someone else’s outcome. Detachment isn’t selfish, it’s caring for yourself and letting others care for themselves.

Trust your intuition. You don’t need to explain or justify your feelings to anyone.

“No” is a complete sentence.

If your son quits his job and asks for monetary help, try detachment. It may sound like this: “You’re young, smart and resourceful. I’m sure you can figure something out.” Then walk away.

Through pain comes growth. It sounds like they both have some growing to do. I can highly recommend Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No More.

Christmas is just another chance for DIL to use you. She expects you to hold a separate, special dinner because Christmas is reserved for her family? Maybe try, “sorry we’ll miss you this Christmas, hopefully, we’ll get to see you next Christmas”. Christmas gifts only come on Christmas, so if they don’t show up, then neither do the gifts. You can give your grandson a gift the next time you see him.

All said, you still need to try to have a cordial relationship with DIL. Listen politely and very carefully to what she says, and then go and do exactly as you please. Come to terms with this: she may not be the daughter-in-law you dreamed of, but she is the daughter-in-law that you have. Choose to have whatever relationship is possible with her, for the sake of keeping contact with your son and grandson. If your DIL sees you cannot be ruffled, she'll have to change her act and smarten up over time. Put the grandson and son first and be as lovely as you can, leaving the venting for friends or your hubby.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

When my DW complains about someone who's mistreated her, I tell her:
"You cannot make someone be a better person, or even the person they should be.
They are not going to turn a new leaf. All you can do is deal with them as they are.
... But that doesn't mean allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat, either."

Thank you, your right until my son decides he wants to spend time with his family there is nothing I can do... I'm not going to be a doormat any further... I'm saving like crazy for retirement and I'm not going to allow my son and DIL to derail my goals. I told the kids early on that our Christmas Limit was a $100 in cash per kid and one small gift (under $50) that they could open. My other children have been fine with this. Perhaps as another poster stated she gave me the $3K list not expecting to receive everthing on the list, and the good news is I will stay within my budget and give what I had planned to give...

 

[VacationForever]

What has not been mentioned is whether you have thought through how much of all of these problems are attributed to your son vs. DIL? We KNOW she is a huge part of the problem. But you also need to think about him as what sort of person is he? I have only one child and I love him to death. He has HUGE life challenges (communication learning disability). Most of his problems are because of his disability but some of it has to do with how he handles relationships with people.

 

[Sugarcubesea]

What has not been mentioned is whether you have thought through how much of all of these problems attributed to your son vs. DIL? We KNOW she is a huge part of the problem. But you also need to think about him as what sort of person is he? I have only one child and I love him to death. He has HUGE life challenges (communication learning disability). Most of his problems are because of his disability but some of it has to do with how he handles relationships with people.

My son does not like conflict and he has the personality that will do or say whatever someone asks of him. He stated to his grandmother that he just wants to keep the peace at home when he was explaining to her why he could not attend her 87th birthday party at a restaurant that she was paying for.

 

[puppymommo]

My heart goes out to those of you who are suffering due to these family situations. This discussion has given me food for thought wondering what kind of DIL my daughter, 23, will be. I think she will be a wonderful one! She is very kind and compassionate. She is in her first serious relationship and apparently the topic of marriage is being discussed. This was the first Thanksgiving since she was born that I didn't spend Thanksgiving with her. Last year she attended his family's Thanksgiving which was held the weekend before, and he joined ours on Thanksgiving day. This year they both went to his brother's who lives out of state. They invited me and I would have loved to meet his family, but I had to work. They both will graduate in May, so I will get to meet the family then. This is all new territory for me.

 

[Chrispee]

I can't agree with the sexist rhetoric that your son should "grow a pair" or "wear the pants in the family". Man or woman, your son is making a conscious decision that keeping the peace is more important than spending time with you. At this point he knows you'll keep trying to make things work, so he's not forced to make any changes. If I were in your shoes I'd do what others have suggested and just invite them over on Christmas Eve with the rest of the family. If they don't make the effort to come, it's on them not you. Having a grandson in the mix definitely complicates matters as you'll have to find other means to keep that relationship open.

I suspect the harsh reality is your son just doesn't care that much about visiting his family during the holidays. It sounds like you've gone above and beyond to try to foster a relationship, but it's now time to take a step back and let things balance out?